Ella's marker was finally placed on her grave on Monday. It was supposed to take six weeks to get here, but it took ten weeks instead. I was getting really frustrated. We ordered it really soon, because we couldn't stand the thought of her grave being unmarked. Jon and I kept checking on it every few days the last couple of weeks, only to find that it still wasn't there. When it finally got placed Monday, I felt relieved that it was here. It turned out to be really pretty too. We went to the cemetary and put out new flowers that I had made for her weeks ago. I felt good about it for an hour or so- and then it hit me. The relief that it is here made it so real that this life we are living seems so messed up. I don't want to be checking to see if my daughter's marker is here- I want my daughter to be here with me instead. Now when I am not at work I work on things like flower arrangements, or scrapbooking, or blogging. Don't get me wrong-I enjoy doing those things because they are things that make me feel like I am doing something for Ella. They keep everything fresh in my memory. Doing these things just makes me realize that life is so different than it used to be. Life is so different than I pictured it to be. The farther I get away from the day of her birth- the more I hate this feeling. I can't believe that it has been almost 3 months since she was here with me.
I love you Ella! I miss you so much!
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