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Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Letter to Ella

Ella,
It has been 9 weeks since I held you last. I can't believe that much time has passed. I miss you so much. I knew that I would miss you when you were gone-but I never imagained I could miss someone so much. Your Daddy misses you so much too. I think about you everyday-most of the day. I think about the time that I had with you while I was pregnant and the time I had with you after you were born. I also think of the time I will have with you one day in Heaven.
I miss you wiggling around in my tummy. You were so strong. You were a little fighter from the beginning. I felt the first flutter when I was only about 14 or 15 weeks pregnant with you-I wasn't sure that was you at first. But, after you started kicking me like crazy at twenty weeks, I knew that first little flutter was tiny little you. You would always about kick through my belly, then I would call your daddy to come feel and you would completely stop. He would feel for five minutes and nothing...then he would walk away and you would do it again. He said you were stubborn like me. I miss laying in the bed and you kicking your daddy in the side or the back. It would always shock him that you could kick so hard. I miss your hiccups too. You had more hiccups in 10 months than I have had in my 31 years. I loved carrying you.
When I first found out that I was pregnant, everyone would always ask me if I wanted a girl or a boy. I would always say "I don't care." But, in my heart, I really wanted you to be a girl. I never said it, because I thought I would feel bad about saying it if you turned out to be a boy. I got what I wanted. I know that your daddy wanted you to be a girl too. We both got what we wanted in you-a beautiful daughter. You have made us both so proud. You will always be our little girl.
When you were born, you changed my life forever. I knew that you were sick and that we weren't going to get to keep you here with us like we wanted to. But, holding you in my arms was the best feeling I have ever felt. There was sadness, because I didn't want you to go. But there was also peace. You made me feel complete and happy. You did the same for your daddy. I haven't felt that feeling since you left. Somedays I feel like there is a hole in my chest or an empty spot that you left. I know that no one will ever fill that spot.
I love you so much Ella! I am so blessed to be your mommy. I know that you are in heaven happy and healthy. I can't wait to see you again!

Love,
Mommy

6 comments:

  1. Beautiful letter.
    Oh, Ella you are so loved!

    ...crying tears of sorrow and joy for Mommy, Daddy and sweet Ella today!

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  2. beautiful! Ella is so lucky to have a mom who loves her so much!
    I wish I could give you such a big hug! It's wonderful to be able to look back and know that our babies have such a strong personality while still inside of us!

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  3. Ella has such a wonderful mom! Your letter is so beautiful.

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  4. What a beautiful letter to your precious Ella!!! I know she is beaming with pride that you are her mother.

    hugs
    elena

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  5. Sweet little Ella! She knows how much she is loved! Hiccups are amazing aren't they? I'm with you on wishing that we could just carry them forever. Praying peace for you hurting heart tonight! Big hugs!

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  6. I loved the hiccups too!! I just really loved every single little bump and kick.

    I remember 9 weeks after....it was very, very hard. Sort of like I was finally, finally waking up and realizing this indeed WAS my life.

    Thinking of you and lifting you up in these days!
    xoxoxo

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