I have been back at work 2 weeks now. I have finally been forced to deal with all of the questions that I knew I would have to face. It has been hard. It has been an emotional last week for sure. This past week I feel like I have been bombarded with the questions all at once. There have been questions from other employees who didn't know about Ella and questions from family members of patients that didn't know.
I hate feeling that I have to scan the hallway to see if someone is coming who is going to ask questions. I hate bringing my lunch everyday because I don't want to go down to the cafeteria and talk to the ladies that work there. I hate feeling like I am on the verge of tears half the time and worrying that I am going to have a meltdown in front of someone (which actually happened a few times this week). I try my best to avoid the horrible feeling that comes when people ask questions and then don't know what to say when you tell them what happened. I know that people mean well, and just don't know what to say. I try not to get angry when they say the wrong thing- I am sure that I have said the wrong thing to people before when I am struggling for words of comfort. But there is one response that really really bothers me-"there will be more." I got that one for the second time last night. Someone asked "how is the little one?" I told him that my daughter had died. He quickly smiled and said "there will be more!" I just kind of stared at him. There may be more children in my future. I hope and pray that there are someday. But, there will never be another Ella. It is not the same thing! Having more children won't change the fact that I don't have Ella with me. Why do people say this? If someone's father dies they don't try to make it better by replacing him with another man...it doesn't work that way. People aren't interchangeable or replaceable. My daughter isn't replaceable. I am not angry that people say the wrong things, it is just hard. Sorry, I just had to vent today.
Back to Hope
7 months ago