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Tuesday, July 20, 2010

"There will be more"

I have been back at work 2 weeks now. I have finally been forced to deal with all of the questions that I knew I would have to face. It has been hard. It has been an emotional last week for sure. This past week I feel like I have been bombarded with the questions all at once. There have been questions from other employees who didn't know about Ella and questions from family members of patients that didn't know.
I hate feeling that I have to scan the hallway to see if someone is coming who is going to ask questions. I hate bringing my lunch everyday because I don't want to go down to the cafeteria and talk to the ladies that work there. I hate feeling like I am on the verge of tears half the time and worrying that I am going to have a meltdown in front of someone (which actually happened a few times this week). I try my best to avoid the horrible feeling that comes when people ask questions and then don't know what to say when you tell them what happened. I know that people mean well, and just don't know what to say. I try not to get angry when they say the wrong thing- I am sure that I have said the wrong thing to people before when I am struggling for words of comfort. But there is one response that really really bothers me-"there will be more." I got that one for the second time last night. Someone asked "how is the little one?" I told him that my daughter had died. He quickly smiled and said "there will be more!" I just kind of stared at him. There may be more children in my future. I hope and pray that there are someday. But, there will never be another Ella. It is not the same thing! Having more children won't change the fact that I don't have Ella with me. Why do people say this? If someone's father dies they don't try to make it better by replacing him with another man...it doesn't work that way. People aren't interchangeable or replaceable. My daughter isn't replaceable. I am not angry that people say the wrong things, it is just hard. Sorry, I just had to vent today.

11 comments:

  1. I hate when people say that. We don't want more, we want what we can't have and it hurts like crazy. I am sorry things are so difficult. I am praying for you! Hugs!!

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  2. My little Noah also had anencephaly. He was stillborn in April of 2010. Thankfully I have not yet got that comment that I am sorry to hear that you have gotten. But, like you, I've avoided new people. It's easier for me since I stay home with my other 3, I can kinda choose when I might see somebody that might not know the whole story, etc. I pray that God blesses you through the words of others.

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  3. Hi Penny,
    I found your blog through Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope and wanted to stop by and tell you how sorry I am for your loss. :( Ella is such a beautiful baby and I'm glad you got that extra time with her. I'm so sorry you've heard these comments from people and that would bother me also. I ESPECIALLY don't like that comment about being able to have more children. They don't even realize that just because our children were with us for a short time they will still NEVER be replaceable. They will always hold a special place in our hearts and I hate that we feel like we have to defend our relationship with them. I'm so sorry.

    Thinking of you and sweet Ella <3

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  4. I'm so sorry!!!!! When I saw the title of your post on my reader, I thought you meant that there would be more rough days or more rough questions...not that people would tell you that there would be more children!!!

    Why ON EARTH do people think that people are replaceable...that empty arms are just empty arms and it doesn't matter what fills them? That you could have 14 children (as my great-grandmother did) and lose one and it STILL HURTS EVERY DAY OF YOUR LIFE....

    I'm so very sorry...I pray that the days at work get easier and that people who feel they 'have' to say something just hold their tongue and give you some peace.
    xoxo

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  5. How awful! I am so sorry you are hearing this, you are right, Ella is not replaceable. People just do not understand unless they have walked this road but that is just ignorant!
    Sorry I am so blunt and I hope that statement is never said to you again!

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  6. Luckily I was only told that one time, and like you I didn't know how to respond. Our babies aren't replaceable and I have no idea why people think something like that would be a comfort to hear.

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  7. You're right... no one is replaceable. I hope things get better for you. People can ask too many questions sometimes.

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  8. Penny

    I SO know what you mean. No other child could ever replace the child that you have lost. I will forever long for Karinne - no matter if I have another child someday.

    Praying for you!
    Love, Kara - Karinne's mommy - 5/10/2010

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  9. I am glad that you were able to vent about your feelings, I know it has helped me so much to be able to write down in words and have an outlet for my emotions.

    When we told the news of Lilly having anencephaly one of the responses was "you guys are still young, you will have more children" i was in shock at the news that it did not occur to me to be bothered by this at the time, but after the initial shock wore off I felt the same as you when this comment was made. We just found out our daughter will not live long if at all after birth and you're telling me we can have more? People do not know what to say you will unfortunately come across this throughout.

    Sometimes it affects you more than others. Its gotten better for me as I was VERY sensitive to the wrong things people said and I still am, but its lessened a little.

    I can also share the experiences of having those same questions asked to me from people who did not know. They asked "where's the baby" or "how's baby" or "belly's all gone" not knowing. They are very difficult to hear at times.

    As you know I have had breakdowns lately as well too.

    many hugs and praying for you

    love
    elena

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  10. So sorry you have to deal with all of tha tat work. It's never easy. I dont' know why people think it's as simple as just having more children. Like you said, you don't go out and replace another family member if they die. So why would they think the same for a baby? I wish people would realize that sometimes all you have to say is 'I'm sorry' and not try to make it better with words that dont' help.

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