Back to work

Tomorrow I go back to work. I have to say that I am nervous about it for a few different reasons. For those of you who don't know me personally, I am a nurse on a pediatric floor at our hospital. We take care of children of all ages; including very young babies. I guess I never really thought about how I would feel going back to work with babies before I went out on maternity leave-I had so many other important things weighing heavy on my mind. It wasn't until a few weeks ago that it hit me that I would go back to work and take care of babies that are the age Ella should be.
I do feel like I will be going back to work with a whole new perspective on things. I feel like I have always been compassionte and had empathy for my patients and there families, but being on the other side has changed my perspective on nursing. We were so blessed to have the best nurses when I had Ella. Our time with her could have been so different if we hadn't had such a great team of nurses. I knew most of these people personally because they work on the same floor that I do. The nursery nurses that took care of Ella were the BEST. They were so kind and caring. They treated Ella as if she were their own. I appreciate it more than they will ever know. Cathy was Ella's nurse when she was born. She was also there for me when they were getting me ready for the c-section before they let Jon come in (when I was SO scared). She took such good care of Ella when she was born and all during her shift. She helped Jon bathe and lotion her up- some of our most precious memories that will last us a lifetime. Deborah was Ella's nurse the second shift. She got Ella to eat for the first time by finger feeding her. Ella enjoyed that first feeding so much. I am so thankful for that. Takesha was Ella's night nurse. She was there for us and for Ella during our darkest hours-when we lost her. She was so compassionate and caring. I know it had to be hard to be the one there to experience that with us. I love all of these ladies! I hope that I can go back and be the kind of nurse that they all are.
I am also anxious to be around people who don't know what happened. Everyone who works on my floor knows about Ella. But there are countless people in the hospital that knew that I was pregnant, but didn't know that Ella had anencephaly. I didn't tell everyone when I was pregnant because it was just way too hard. I couldn't function at work and have a breakdown everyday. So, when respiratory therapists, pharmacy techs, etc asked the usual pregnancy questions I just answered short and sweet. Now I dread the questions that I know I will have to face. I pray that they don't come that often and that I handle them okay.
So, tomorrow I guess life goes back to normal-as normal as is possible I guess. My life will never be the same as it was before Ella was born, but I have to get back to life. I have to be a productive person again. I wish that everything was so different and that I was dreading going back to work for different reasons. But, it isn't. Please say a prayer for me if you think about it tomorrow.

I love you Ella!