I know that people always use the phrase "grief comes in waves." That is exactly what it is like. I feel like it comes over me like a tidal wave. I feel like my grief has been pretty constant, but there are times when it hits you and washes over you and you feel covered by it. I have experienced quite a few of those tidal waves lately.
I have been out of town at a work conference for a few days. I went three days being away from Jon, away from my family, away from home. It was the first time I have spent the night away from Jon since Ella was born. I was dreading being apart that long. But, the trip went well. We had a good time. I held myself together the whole three days. Three days without crying is a long stretch for me still.
Even though I enjoyed the trip with my coworkers, I was so ready to be home. So, yesterday I came home. I was happy to be back home with Jon and with Max and Millie. They were so excited to see me and I was so excited to see them. But, within an hour of being home I was hit by the tidal wave. I was overwhelmed by sadness, and missing Ella, and how much I wish life were different.
I love you Ella! I miss you so much!
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9 months ago