Ella's Marker

Ella's marker was finally placed on her grave on Monday. It was supposed to take six weeks to get here, but it took ten weeks instead. I was getting really frustrated. We ordered it really soon, because we couldn't stand the thought of her grave being unmarked. Jon and I kept checking on it every few days the last couple of weeks, only to find that it still wasn't there. When it finally got placed Monday, I felt relieved that it was here. It turned out to be really pretty too. We went to the cemetary and put out new flowers that I had made for her weeks ago. I felt good about it for an hour or so- and then it hit me. The relief that it is here made it so real that this life we are living seems so messed up. I don't want to be checking to see if my daughter's marker is here- I want my daughter to be here with me instead. Now when I am not at work I work on things like flower arrangements, or scrapbooking, or blogging. Don't get me wrong-I enjoy doing those things because they are things that make me feel like I am doing something for Ella. They keep everything fresh in my memory. Doing these things just makes me realize that life is so different than it used to be. Life is so different than I pictured it to be. The farther I get away from the day of her birth- the more I hate this feeling. I can't believe that it has been almost 3 months since she was here with me.

I love you Ella! I miss you so much!

Prayer Request

I am asking that anyone who reads this today will take the time to pray for Melissa and Amelia. Melissa is a friend that I met online and her daugter Amelia has also been diagnosed with anencephlay. Her husband Tim and son Noah also need your prayers. They are schcedeuled for a c-section tomorrow. Please pray that God will surround them with his peace and comfort them. I am also praying that they get to spend lots of time with sweet Amelia. They are an amazing family-and Amelia is an amazing little baby.

poem

Someone shared this poem with me online. I love it. It is so sweet and so true. I thought I would share it on my blog- I know that moms with a loss will appreciate it.

My Mom is a Survivior

My mom is a survivor,
or so I've heard it said.

But I can hear her crying
when all others are in bed.

I watch her lay awake at night.
and go to hold her hand.

She doesn't know I'm with her
to help her understand.

But like the sands upon a beach
that never wash away...

I watch over my surviving mom
who thinks of me each day.

She wears a smile for others,
a smile of disguise.

But through Heaven's open door,
I see tears flowing from her eyes.

My mom tries to cope with my death,
to keep my memory alive.

But anyone who knows her
knows it's her way to survive.

As I watch over my surviving mom
through Heaven's open door...

I try to tell her that
Angels protect me forevermore.

I know that doesn't help her,
or ease the burdens she bears.

So if you get a chance, call to her
And show her that you care.

For no matter what she feels,
my surviving mom has a broken heart
that time won't ever heal.

~K. D'Ormeaux

"There will be more"

I have been back at work 2 weeks now. I have finally been forced to deal with all of the questions that I knew I would have to face. It has been hard. It has been an emotional last week for sure. This past week I feel like I have been bombarded with the questions all at once. There have been questions from other employees who didn't know about Ella and questions from family members of patients that didn't know.
I hate feeling that I have to scan the hallway to see if someone is coming who is going to ask questions. I hate bringing my lunch everyday because I don't want to go down to the cafeteria and talk to the ladies that work there. I hate feeling like I am on the verge of tears half the time and worrying that I am going to have a meltdown in front of someone (which actually happened a few times this week). I try my best to avoid the horrible feeling that comes when people ask questions and then don't know what to say when you tell them what happened. I know that people mean well, and just don't know what to say. I try not to get angry when they say the wrong thing- I am sure that I have said the wrong thing to people before when I am struggling for words of comfort. But there is one response that really really bothers me-"there will be more." I got that one for the second time last night. Someone asked "how is the little one?" I told him that my daughter had died. He quickly smiled and said "there will be more!" I just kind of stared at him. There may be more children in my future. I hope and pray that there are someday. But, there will never be another Ella. It is not the same thing! Having more children won't change the fact that I don't have Ella with me. Why do people say this? If someone's father dies they don't try to make it better by replacing him with another man...it doesn't work that way. People aren't interchangeable or replaceable. My daughter isn't replaceable. I am not angry that people say the wrong things, it is just hard. Sorry, I just had to vent today.

I am Ella's dad

I am Ella's dad.It has been over nine long weeks since my beautiful baby girl came into this world. From time to time, I get on this blog and read the beautiful things Penny has written about our daughter. I enjoy reading everything she has to say about Ella. We talk about her every single day but sometimes it is hard to even express how we are feeling to each other. I wish everyday that I could do something to make things better for Penny. I know I can not bring Ella back but it is just not fair for her not to be here with us. However, I know that this is God's plan. I know that God blessed us with Ella. I know that it was only for twenty hours but those were the most amazing hours of our lives. I know I am not nearly the blogger that Penny is but I just want to say, Ella, I love you and I miss you so so much. You will always be my little angel. You brought me so much joy and happiness in the short time you were here. I see things so much differently now since you were born and I met you. You have made me a better person. I would do anything to hold your beautiful hands again and kiss you. I remember you crying out when you were born. That was the most beautiful sound I have ever heard and I will remember it forever. I will love you forever. I can not wait to see you in Heaven. I love you Ella!

Letter to Ella

Ella,
It has been 9 weeks since I held you last. I can't believe that much time has passed. I miss you so much. I knew that I would miss you when you were gone-but I never imagained I could miss someone so much. Your Daddy misses you so much too. I think about you everyday-most of the day. I think about the time that I had with you while I was pregnant and the time I had with you after you were born. I also think of the time I will have with you one day in Heaven.
I miss you wiggling around in my tummy. You were so strong. You were a little fighter from the beginning. I felt the first flutter when I was only about 14 or 15 weeks pregnant with you-I wasn't sure that was you at first. But, after you started kicking me like crazy at twenty weeks, I knew that first little flutter was tiny little you. You would always about kick through my belly, then I would call your daddy to come feel and you would completely stop. He would feel for five minutes and nothing...then he would walk away and you would do it again. He said you were stubborn like me. I miss laying in the bed and you kicking your daddy in the side or the back. It would always shock him that you could kick so hard. I miss your hiccups too. You had more hiccups in 10 months than I have had in my 31 years. I loved carrying you.
When I first found out that I was pregnant, everyone would always ask me if I wanted a girl or a boy. I would always say "I don't care." But, in my heart, I really wanted you to be a girl. I never said it, because I thought I would feel bad about saying it if you turned out to be a boy. I got what I wanted. I know that your daddy wanted you to be a girl too. We both got what we wanted in you-a beautiful daughter. You have made us both so proud. You will always be our little girl.
When you were born, you changed my life forever. I knew that you were sick and that we weren't going to get to keep you here with us like we wanted to. But, holding you in my arms was the best feeling I have ever felt. There was sadness, because I didn't want you to go. But there was also peace. You made me feel complete and happy. You did the same for your daddy. I haven't felt that feeling since you left. Somedays I feel like there is a hole in my chest or an empty spot that you left. I know that no one will ever fill that spot.
I love you so much Ella! I am so blessed to be your mommy. I know that you are in heaven happy and healthy. I can't wait to see you again!

Love,
Mommy

I have a daughter

Thank you to all of you who said a prayer for me yesterday. I had a better first day at work than I thought I would. It was really slow, and all of my coworkers are great. I am glad to be a part of that team of women. I didn't run into many people yesterday, so I avoided most of the questions that I was dreading. But, there was one. I knew this question would come up at some point-but I didn't know how to respond. Another nurse and I were starting an IV on a patient when the mother asked "do ya'll have any children?" I just stumbled on my words and then shook my head "no". I wanted to say yes, but then I knew she would ask me "how old?" I felt bad about it as soon as I did it. I DO have a daughter- a beautiful daughter that I am so proud of. I have a daughter that I love and miss so much. I didn't know how to respond for two reasons. Reason number one- I don't want to cry in front of people. Reason number two- I don't want to make people feel bad for asking a simple question. But, I know that this isn't how I want to answer this question now. Ella is my daughter and I can't deny her, and I don't want to. I should have said "I have a daughter in Heaven." I thought about as soon as I had shook my head no, but it was done. The next time I am asked this, I will do what I should have done yesterday.

I love you Ella, and I am so proud to be your mom!

Back to work

Tomorrow I go back to work. I have to say that I am nervous about it for a few different reasons. For those of you who don't know me personally, I am a nurse on a pediatric floor at our hospital. We take care of children of all ages; including very young babies. I guess I never really thought about how I would feel going back to work with babies before I went out on maternity leave-I had so many other important things weighing heavy on my mind. It wasn't until a few weeks ago that it hit me that I would go back to work and take care of babies that are the age Ella should be.
I do feel like I will be going back to work with a whole new perspective on things. I feel like I have always been compassionte and had empathy for my patients and there families, but being on the other side has changed my perspective on nursing. We were so blessed to have the best nurses when I had Ella. Our time with her could have been so different if we hadn't had such a great team of nurses. I knew most of these people personally because they work on the same floor that I do. The nursery nurses that took care of Ella were the BEST. They were so kind and caring. They treated Ella as if she were their own. I appreciate it more than they will ever know. Cathy was Ella's nurse when she was born. She was also there for me when they were getting me ready for the c-section before they let Jon come in (when I was SO scared). She took such good care of Ella when she was born and all during her shift. She helped Jon bathe and lotion her up- some of our most precious memories that will last us a lifetime. Deborah was Ella's nurse the second shift. She got Ella to eat for the first time by finger feeding her. Ella enjoyed that first feeding so much. I am so thankful for that. Takesha was Ella's night nurse. She was there for us and for Ella during our darkest hours-when we lost her. She was so compassionate and caring. I know it had to be hard to be the one there to experience that with us. I love all of these ladies! I hope that I can go back and be the kind of nurse that they all are.
I am also anxious to be around people who don't know what happened. Everyone who works on my floor knows about Ella. But there are countless people in the hospital that knew that I was pregnant, but didn't know that Ella had anencephaly. I didn't tell everyone when I was pregnant because it was just way too hard. I couldn't function at work and have a breakdown everyday. So, when respiratory therapists, pharmacy techs, etc asked the usual pregnancy questions I just answered short and sweet. Now I dread the questions that I know I will have to face. I pray that they don't come that often and that I handle them okay.
So, tomorrow I guess life goes back to normal-as normal as is possible I guess. My life will never be the same as it was before Ella was born, but I have to get back to life. I have to be a productive person again. I wish that everything was so different and that I was dreading going back to work for different reasons. But, it isn't. Please say a prayer for me if you think about it tomorrow.

I love you Ella!