Ella slideshow

Sunday, October 31, 2010

This is hard

     I have had a hard time blogging lately.  I started my blog because I wanted to talk about Ella, and about my feelings.  But, I don't always feel like sharing all of my feelings.  I feel like people probably get tired of reading the same things about how I feel over and over again.  So, I haven't been posting much.
     It has been almost six months since Ella was born and since she passed.  Six months seems like a long time.  I really thought that after six months everything would be a little easier to deal with.  But, the truth is that it isn't.  I really don't feel any better, and I definitely don't miss her any less.  I know that will never change.  I will always feel that strong urge to be with her again.  I will always feel like a part of me died on May 11th too.  There will always be someone missing from my life, and I will always think about her when I am doing things that I thought my daughter would be doing with me. 
      I try not to think about the way things should have been all of the time.  But, I really think that is impossible for me.  I can't do it.  Everytime I see other families and babies I think that should be us.  We should have a family on earth now.  I should be dressing Ella in her halloween costume this year.  It is so hard and it really doesn't seem fair.  Everytime someone announces a birth or shows off an ultrasound picture I feel conflicting emotions.  I feel happy for them, but it makes me so sad for us.  I don't like being like that, but if I said I didn't feel it I would be lying. 
     Life is hard right now.  Somedays I feel like I am just going through the motions of life and not living.  I don't know how to make that different, but I want to.  We are at the point where we have to think about our future.  Jon and I both want a family so bad.  We want children.  We want Ella to be one of those children here with us more than anything- but we know that we can't have that.  Everything and every decision is so hard right now for me.  Please keep us in your prayers. 

I love you Ella!  I miss you so much!!!


  1. Hugging you Penny! I cannot imagine what you go through since Ella is your first child. Do not worry about people getting tired of reading the same feelings, they are your feelings and it is our choice to read what you say. Keep talking about your little girl and anything else you need to get out! Saying an extra prayer for you!

  2. I can't pretend to know what you are going through, but I just wanted to say I am so sorry. And big ((HUGS)).

  3. I posted a comment earlier and it didn't post???? I am right there with you about blogging my sweet friend! I know that in many ways what you are going through with Ella being your first child is much harder in many ways than me. I do know the hurt of loss that you feel though. I do not get tired of hearing about sweet miss Ella or your feelings. This blog is your should say whatever you need to! In many ways my blog is my place to "get it off my chest". I so wish that all of us mamas could find a way to get together at some point (dads to if they want). I am so sorry that you are having some really tough days. You hang in there mama! If you need to vent or just talk, I am here! Big hugs!

  4. Love you Penny! And I love hearing about Ella too. I know the feeling about the 6 months. It doesn't seem any easier does it. And thinking about the future is very hard too. Knowing that all you really want is for Ella to be back in your arms - safe and healthy. And I know what you mean about how hard it is to be around other babies. I almost had to leave church yesterday because I couldn't stand the happy sounds of 3 babies sitting behind me. Hugs & prayers my friend!

  5. Keep on bloggin' it girl!
    Here for you always...

  6. ((((hugs)))) Please don't feel like people ever get tired of hearing your true feelings.

    I can totally relate to the 6 month mark. I thought that things would be so much better, and i agree... that they really are not. Even though I wish it was. You're not in this alone. Keep blogging.

  7. I know these days are hard....I wonder when and if they'll get easier and then I wonder how they possibly could...our babies are gone.

    Sending you lots of love!

  8. I found your post on Faces of Loss...mine is on there too. I lost my son at birth (full term) to an encephalocele -- another neural tube defect. It's been 10 months now, and I just wanted to say -- I know just what you mean, about how you thought it would be better by now and it isn't. I actually didn't feel much better until about 3 weeks ago! And I don't know if this is just a phase or what. But I hope you are hanging in there. I have to think we will feel better at some point...more accepting of what happened. Hugs to you and to your beautiful daughter.

  9. Sending you many big hugs :*( I can say that I don't get tired of reading your emotions. I started Lilly's blog for me as an outlet for me and my emotions, whatever they are. I am thinking of you an Ella all the time and how touched I am that I got to know her through you. I feel honored. This definitely is beyond fair and to have to watch others have what we have lost sometimes feels like adding salt to our wounds. more *hugs*

  10. Sometimes I don't write because I feel like everything has already been said and I don't want to feel like a broken record. BUT these blogs are our spaces to let it all out so I guess it is ok to say things over and over if that is what we are feeling.

    It is hard not to think about how things would be. I still do it.