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Friday, August 13, 2010

All in a year

It has been almost 14 weeks since Ella was born. It was around this time last year that Ella was concieved. That is so hard for me to believe. I can't believe how much my life has changed in the past year. Somedays I feel like the last year of my life has been a dream- it seems impossible that all of it really happened. In a year, I became pregnant for the first time, was so excited to be a mom, was devastated to find out that my baby wouldn't survive, gave birth to the most precious baby girl, held her in my arms for one amazing day, had to say goodbye to my daughter, am dealing with my grief over losing her, and am now trying to adjust to what life is now. I look back at myself before this time last year, and I can hardly recognize me. I feel like such a different person now. I know what is important now. But, I do miss some parts of the old me. I miss being silly sometimes and laughing a lot (I still laugh, but not nearly as often). Right now it is hard for me to feel those emotions because I am still missing Ella SO much. I know I will always miss her. It is hard trying to balance my life right now. How do I pull the old me and the new me together? I am sorry if none of this makes any sense-it is just how I feel right now. And though the last year has been so hard, it has been so worth it to have Ella with me for over 10 months. I wouldn't trade that for anything!

I love you Ella!

6 comments:

  1. It is so hard to fathom how we were before we lost our babies. It makes perfect sense. I know you miss her. I know the ache you feel. Praying for you sweet friend!

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  2. It makes total and complete sense...the old me died. The new me is someone I am completely and totally surprised by and with whom I am unfamiliar. It's hard to put the two together...and doesn't seem right to have to do so.

    xoxoxo

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  3. I completely understand too Penny. I was thinking a very similar thing just today. How blissfully naive I was this time a year ago - getting ready to try to get pregnant again - without any thoughts of what could go wrong. I'm so sad so much of the time now. I don't know How to be this person. Doesn't seem to be getting any easier - does it?

    Hugs! Kara

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  4. Makes complete sense.
    How grateful we are for our little girls!
    We have lived in the moment.
    We have seen angels.
    We now know perfection, and our hearts ache to have it back. To have them back...

    hugs coming your way!
    Melissa

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  5. I'm not sure if the 'old' will ever come back. For me, I've come pretty close but it'll never be the same. Losing you child completely changes you forever and I know some people have a hard time realizing that. There were members of my family that didn't really get it but I don't expect them to. As long as I'm happy where I'm at that's all that matters.

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  6. This makes complete sense to me. I do not think I will ever return to who I once was because I feel I am forever changed. I like Holly had people respond quite difficult to my transformation. They had to adapt to the "new" me as well, some still are. Its a lot to have gone through in just a year and still a lot to be learning how to live our lives with our "new" changes selves. Praying for you and sending many hugs.

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