One thing that I have found myself thinking over and over in the last month is how weird everything "feels". I don't even know if feels is the right word for it. I just don't really know what to do with myself. Most women who had a baby a month ago are taking care of their baby all day at this point. They are probably exhausted, but enjoying their new baby and being a mom. I knew for a long time before Ella was born that this was probably something I wouldn't be doing one month after she was born That is why I don't really understand this feeling. I am trying to do things and not just stay at home and think about how sad I am, but then I don't feel right when I do them. If I go out shopping, out to lunch, etc., I feel bad. I feel like it is wrong. I feel like I am trying to act like my old self, like none of this ever happened...like I was never even a mom or Ella was never born. And it did happen; Ella was born. I became a mom. I am not the same person. But then I don't know what I am supposed to be doing. I don't have a baby at home to take care of. I don't have any other children at home to make me feel like I am a mother or keep me busy either. I know that I have to function and try to enjoy life. I know that Ella wouldn't want me to be sad all of the time, but I don't know how to make this feeling different or make everything feel right.
We found out that we were pregnant with our first child on August 31, 2009. We were nervous, but very excited. We spent the next few months planning for our future. We knew that our lives would be changed forever when our baby was born. We just never thought it would be changed in this way. On November 25th, we went for our first ultrasound. We were so excited to find out if we were having a boy or a girl (we both felt like it was a girl). Instead of finding out the sex, we found out that our baby had anencephaly. Anencephaly is a fatal neural tube defect in which the part of the tube that forms into the skull and portion of the brain doesn't close. It was the worst day of our lives. We chose to carry our baby to term. We found out at another ultrasound the next week that we were having a girl. We named her Ella Christine. Ella means "bright light", and I can't think of a more perfect name. God blessed us with 20 hours with her after she was born, and she changed our lives forever. I never thought I would want to blog, but now all we want to do is talk about our baby girl.