Thursday, June 10, 2010
The feeling
One thing that I have found myself thinking over and over in the last month is how weird everything "feels". I don't even know if feels is the right word for it. I just don't really know what to do with myself. Most women who had a baby a month ago are taking care of their baby all day at this point. They are probably exhausted, but enjoying their new baby and being a mom. I knew for a long time before Ella was born that this was probably something I wouldn't be doing one month after she was born That is why I don't really understand this feeling. I am trying to do things and not just stay at home and think about how sad I am, but then I don't feel right when I do them. If I go out shopping, out to lunch, etc., I feel bad. I feel like it is wrong. I feel like I am trying to act like my old self, like none of this ever happened...like I was never even a mom or Ella was never born. And it did happen; Ella was born. I became a mom. I am not the same person. But then I don't know what I am supposed to be doing. I don't have a baby at home to take care of. I don't have any other children at home to make me feel like I am a mother or keep me busy either. I know that I have to function and try to enjoy life. I know that Ella wouldn't want me to be sad all of the time, but I don't know how to make this feeling different or make everything feel right.
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It's hard but do not feel bad about getting out and doing things. It's crappy how grief makes us feel guilt for living our lives, but it does.
ReplyDeleteNature helps us do whatever we can to take care of a newborn but when we do not get to bring that baby home, the feeling does not go away. I read your words and have heard them come out of my mouth so many times. I cannot offer advice because I feel the same but know I am thinking and praying for you and your husband!
Hugs to you Penny! I don't know much else to say, but wanted you to know I understand. I feel blessed to have the comfort of my older children. I pray that one day you WILL have a baby to bring home and raise. In the meantime, know that you ARE still a mother and that you are loved!!!
ReplyDeleteIt is definitely hard at times, we went through the whole carrying a baby and even though we knew that we would not be taking care of them at this point, we still are confused.
ReplyDeleteElla is your daughter, and you are her mother. Always!
I just want you to know that I am thinking of you and sending many hugs your way.
love and prayers
elena