Beach Trip

Every year, for the past 4 years my husband and I go to St. Augustine Beach, Fl for summer vacation. We usually go for a week with family and we all rent a beach house together. It is usually the week of July 4th. Last year, when after we found out I was pregant-but before I knew Ella had anencephlay, I thought about our vacation. I knew my baby would only be couple of months old this summer- but I imagined taking her on a trip(I always knew she was a girl). I imagined staying inside with her or sitting on the deck with her enjoying the ocean breeze. I never imagined the trip would be so different this year .

When I left work to go on maternity leave, I didn't plan on a vacation at all this year. I knew that Ella had anencephaly-and I hoped that I would get months with her after she was born. I knew this was very rare with anencephaly. But it has happened before. As you all know, I didn't get months with Ella after birth. She lived for 20 hours, and I am so blessed to have gotten that time.

A couple of weeks ago, my husband and I decided to take a trip to St. Augustine just to get away. I go back to work next week, and after being off for so long- I won't be able to take any more time off this summer. So, we wanted to do it before my maternity leave is up. We booked a hotel for three nights. My cousin and her family were also in St. Augustine at the same time.

We left for the beach last thursday after Jon got off of work. I wasn't in the best mood on the way there. Then when we got to the beach, we went for a walk. The next morning, Jon and I got up and went to the beach with our dogs( they love the beach too!) That first day on vacation was so hard for me. I saw so many families with their little babies and toddlers on the beach. The little girls in their tiny little swimsuits really got to me. I just want that so bad-not just a family. I want it to be Ella with me and Jon. I couldn't help but wonder what it would be like if her neural tube had closed and she were healthy, happy, and here. I struggled to even enjoy myself that first day. I still don't really know how to enjoy life and not feel like it is all so wrong.

After we had been at the beach a little while, a dragonfly flew by. This may sound crazy-but I have seen so many dragonflies since Ella died. I see them at the cemetary all of the time when I visit here grave. I have told Jon about this many times. Well, a couple of weeks ago I read a story on another blog, Too Beautiful... The story is about dragonflies. Basically, the story was used to explain death to children. Once a waterbug becomes a dragonfly it can't go back to the water to see the other waterbugs-but one day the other waterbugs will become dragonflies and see the ones who have gone before again. As one day we will see our loved ones in Heaven again. I think that all of the dragonflies are little messages to me that I will be with Ella again. I may be wrong-but I have NEVER seen a dragonfly on the beach that I remember-and Jon says the same-and he saw it too!

I did enjoy myself after the first day. I know that we have to live life. I know that it isn't fair to Jon or to myself to be sad the rest of my life-but I have to admitt that it is a battle right now. I did have a good time with my husband, and with my cousin Candy and her family. It isn't hard to laugh around that group:)

The photo I posted is of course one we took at the beach. Jon's footprints are on the left of Ella's name and mine are on the right(one got washed away). Adding our footprints was actually her Daddy's idea. I want to include her in everything I do - she will always be a part of me now and forever.

"Homesick"

I have the song "Homesick" by Mercy Me in my playlist on my blog. I have heard the song before, but I guess I had never really listened to the words before. I really listened to it for the first time a couple of weeks ago and I swear I felt like I could have written it myself( not literally written the song-just the message). It says everything that I feel. I have been a Christian for about 16 years. I have thought about Heaven a lot before, but now I think about it so much. Jon and I actually talked to our preacher about this when we met with him to talk about Ella's funeral service. During her funeral he brought it up and said that Heaven will be all the more sweeter now-because Ella will be waiting there for us. I know that I will see Ella again when I get to Heaven...and that is what I long for so bad. Somedays I feel like everything is just too much for me. I feel like this road has been so long since we found out that Ella had anencephlay and sometimes I don 't see a light at the end of the tunnel. Those are the times when I think of Heaven-and seeing my sweet baby again. My favorite part of the song is "in Christ, there are no goodbyes. In Christ there is no end. So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have to see you again." As the song says, "I have never been more homesick than now."

I love you Ella!

Father's Day

Tomorrow is Father's Day. It will be my husband's first father's day as a dad. It makes me so sad that he won't be able to spend it with Ella. I looked for a card for him today and it broke my heart to see all of the cards that I wish I could get him. There were cards to dads from daughters. There were cards to dads from moms that talked about raising kids together. There were even cards for soon to be dads. There wasn't a card that I could find that seemed right for my husband. There was no card that expressed what a great dad he was to Ella (and still is) and how much I love him for it. I posted a picture of them together. I can honestly say that this is my most favorite picture of my husband ever! It is better than any wedding picture, engagement picture or any other picture I have ever seen of him. The look on his face is priceless. The way he looked at Ella from the second she was born was something I had never seen before. He looked so proud, so happy and so in love all at the same time; and this picture captured that look. I will never forget that look. I know that tomorrow will be hard for him, and I wish that I could make it better. I am blessed to have such a wonderful husband, friend, partner and father to my daughter. And I know that Ella knows how much her Daddy loves her and is sending him kisses from Heaven!

Happy Father's Day, Jon, I love you!

Tuesdays

I hate Tuesdays. Maybe not hate, but they are the hardest. Every Tuesday that passes is a reminder that it has been another week since we lost Ella. I know they are hard for Jon too. He is at work and just sent me a text that said "I am really missing Ella today" It has been five weeks today.
Every week there are three days that roll around and remind my of how long it has been. It is like my new calendar. Every Sunday is another week since Mother's Day...the last day I was still pregnant with Ella, and the night we went to the hospital to get prepped for the c-section. I am so glad that I went past my due date and got to spend my first Mother's Day with Ella; safe inside. Every Monday is another week since Ella was born. Another week has passed since I met my precious daughter and held her in my arms for the first time. And then Tuesday comes. It has been another week since we had to say goodbye.


I know I'll see the sun shine bright
upon my baby's face....
When I finally get to heaven,
all my pain will be erased.

We'll soar the skies together,
as angels two by two.
We'll have a sweet reunion,
this mother's dream come true!
~author unknown


I love you Ella! I miss you so much!

The feeling

One thing that I have found myself thinking over and over in the last month is how weird everything "feels". I don't even know if feels is the right word for it. I just don't really know what to do with myself. Most women who had a baby a month ago are taking care of their baby all day at this point. They are probably exhausted, but enjoying their new baby and being a mom. I knew for a long time before Ella was born that this was probably something I wouldn't be doing one month after she was born That is why I don't really understand this feeling. I am trying to do things and not just stay at home and think about how sad I am, but then I don't feel right when I do them. If I go out shopping, out to lunch, etc., I feel bad. I feel like it is wrong. I feel like I am trying to act like my old self, like none of this ever happened...like I was never even a mom or Ella was never born. And it did happen; Ella was born. I became a mom. I am not the same person. But then I don't know what I am supposed to be doing. I don't have a baby at home to take care of. I don't have any other children at home to make me feel like I am a mother or keep me busy either. I know that I have to function and try to enjoy life. I know that Ella wouldn't want me to be sad all of the time, but I don't know how to make this feeling different or make everything feel right.

One month ago

One month ago today, I was holding my precious baby girl in my arms. I wish I could hold her again so bad!
One month ago today, I saw my husband become a dad and fell so in love with him again!
One month ago today, my mom and Jon's parents became grandma, ginny, and grandaddy to their first grandaughter.
One month ago today, my sister and Jon's sister became an aunt.
One month ago today, I kissed the sweetest face I have ever seen.
One month ago today, I smelled the sweetest smell I have ever smelled.
One month ago today, I touched the softest skin I have ever felt.
One month ago today, I held the most perfect little fingers in my hand.
One month ago today, God gave us 20 hours with an angel.
One month ago today, Ella changed my life forever.

I love you Ella!

Everything makes me think of Ella!

It is so strange how everything I think of relates to Ella. I can being doing something so random, and it somehow connects to Ella. This evening, my husband and I went to eat at a Japanese restaurant in town that we eat at often. As I was waiting to order, I was thinking the last time we ate here, Ella was with us. Before I was pregnant, I would order tuna. Then when I found out I was pregnant, I couldn't order tuna anymore. I didn't want to order tuna today, and the thought that I could have it if I wanted it just made me sad. That sounds so crazy, but I find myself always thinking stuff like this. I came home and got my shower, put my pajama's on and the first thing I thought was, I haven't worn this since Ella was born. These are old p.j's that I wore many times before I was pregnant-but now they make me think back to being pregnant with Ella. I got in the car yesterday and drove to town. It was the first time I have driven since my c-section. I was thinking, it is weird driving without my big belly in the way-and wishing that Ella was in the back in her carseat. And the list goes on and on...everything relates to Ella.