Having a bad day

I don't want to make Ella's blog sad and depressing. But, today that is how I feel. The preacher told us it is okay to mourn and that even Jesus mourned and felt grief. He said that at Ella's funeral. He said the shortest verse in the bible reads "Jesus wept."
I knew that dealing with losing her would be hard. But, I thought that knowing that we were going to have to let her go for 6 months would make it easier...I guess that we would be prepared. It is a lot harder than I thought it would be. I don't think you can prepare for this.
I would be lying if I said I was at peace with everything during most of my pregnancy. I enjoyed being pregnant with Ella, but I struggled with everything a lot. I felt angry a lot. I don't feel anger anymore. I just feel sad. When Ella was born, the anger went away. I know that God has a plan and that does give me peace. But I still miss her really bad. I will never understand why this had to happen. I guess I am not supposed to understand. Sometimes, I can't help but sit around thinking of how I wish things were. I wish I was so tired from being up all night with her. I wish Jon and I were arguing over who's turn it was to change a dirty diaper. I wish I could dress her up in the closet full of cute clothes that she has. I wish I could smell that sweet baby smell again. I wish she could sleep in her bassinette. I can't help but wish these things.
Anyway, I promise that my posts won't be sad every time. I just feel sad today.

I love you Ella!