Glad that is over

I am usually so sad when Christmas is over.  It has always been my favorite time of the year.  I love the whole change in atmosphere, the lights, the trees,the music, holiday traditions and movies, spending time with family.  And of course the real reason we celebrate Christmas- the fact that it is Jesus's birthday.

Last year we struggled through Christmas.  December 2nd was the day that Ella's anencephlay was confirmed by the level 2 ultrasound.  It was hard to celebrate and be merry knowing that we were going to lose her.  We didn't even put up a tree.  I still feel a lot of guilt about that.  I wish I had handled my feelings better.  I wish I could have given Ella the best Christmas ever while she was still her with me-I was so stupid. We did buy her an angel bear last year, and I loved every minute she was with me.  I just should have celabrated with her instead of crying with her.

Of course, I knew this year would be really hard without her here.  Then, right before Thanksgiving we got a surprise.  We were pregnant again.  Those first few weeks were scary but exciting.  We had hope that next year would be different at the holidays.  That hope didn't change the fact that we still missed Ella so much.  It just gave us something to be excited about again-which I haven't felt in a long time.  But, again that hope was taken away.  I had a miscarriage on 12/21/10 and  a d&c the next day.  I wasn't going to talk about this little one on Ella's blog because I wanted this to be her place, but now that this little one is gone I don't want to forget about him/her either.  We loved this baby too from the time we saw two pink lines.

So, I haven't been in the Christmas mood at all.  It is hard to celebrate and laugh when it feels like a hole is missing from your chest.  Presents seem so unimportant when the people I want more than anything in the world, I can't have.  When someone would ask "what do you want for Christmas?" - I just feel like screaming- I can't have what I want!  I am really struggling trying to understand all of this.  And for the second year in a row, I am not sad that Christmas is over.  I am still thankful that Jesus is the Reason for the Season, but this Christmas was so hard.