Happy belated birthday my baby

Happy 2nd birthday to my sweet girl! I am so sorry that it took this long to write your birthday letter. But it wasn't because I wasn't thinking of you. I miss you so much and think about you all of the time. I hope you liked your flowers, pinwheel, and windchime. I wish so bad that I could have a real party for you and buy you fun birthday gifts. I can't believe it has been two years since I held you and kissed your sweet face. Somedays it seems like yesterday but mostly it seems like an eternity ago. Everyone remembered you on your birthday. You made such an impact on so many lives, more in twenty hours than many do with a lifetime. You are such an amazing little girl! Your baby brother is so sweet...just like you! I wish that you were here to play with him and teach him things. I tell him all about you. He will know all about his sweet, strong, brave big sister. I look at him and see so much of you. I am so proud to be mommy to you both. Happy birthday baby girl!! I love you so much! Mommy

Introducing Eli

     Ella is now the big sister to her brother, Elijah.  Eli was scheduled to be born by repeat c-section on November 29th.  But he was too excited to wait.  I went in for an ultrasound and nst last friday.  I was getting them twice a week because of the gestational diabetes.  Eli had been having a high heart rate during the nst's for weeks.  But his baseline was okay and he was usually really active.  I had been to labor and delivey twice for monitoring because of his heart rate.  But it would always come back down and they would send me home.  Friday his heart rate was extremely high, going up to 220.  It was staying up even though he wasn't as active as usual during the test.  My doctor told me it was time to get him out to go straight to L&D.  So I rushed to L&D, scared to death that something was seriuosly wrong.  Three hours after my appt was scheduled that morning, Eli was born at 12:15 on 11/11/11.  He came out screaming and screamed the whole time they worked with him.  It was the biggest relief and the most amazing sound.  I was sobbing and laughing at the same time.  Eli had no problems with his heart rate after he was born and no problems breathing even though he was a few weeks early.  He weighed 6lbs 9oz and was 20 and a quarter inches long.  He looks like his daddy and his big sister.  The first time they showed him to me I couldn't believe how much he looked like Ella when they handed her to me.  Up until the moment we were able to put him in his carseat and take him home, I still had a hard time believing this was real and he was going home with us.  The last week has been crazy.  Taking care of a newborn has rocked our world!  I never imagined a little baby could keep you so busy.  But we are so thankful for each feeding, wet and dirty diaper and cry.  Everyone keeps telling me that this stage will pass soon.  And even though we are so tired, I don't want it to pass soon.  Eli is such a sweet baby.  He is very laid back for the most part- he gets that from his daddy.  We stare at him all the time and still can't believe he is here.  The only thing that could make us happier would be if his big sister were here too. 

I love you Ella and Eli!


Here he is!

Fall again

     It is fall again.  This was always one of my most favorite times of the year.  But now, when the air changes to cooler and wind starts blowing, my mood seems to change some too.  The new crisp air and the cloudy days bring me straight back to fall two years ago, and make me think so much of Ella.  That was the time when life changed forever and we went from so excited to devastated in an instant.  It boggles my mind that was almost two years ago. The last two days have been the cloudy cool days- the same exact way I remember the weather the day we found out about the anencephaly.  I guess those feelings will always come back with the change of the season.
      Today was my growth ultrasound.  I love seeing Eli again, but I still have some anxiety everytime we go in for an ultrasound.  I found out about a month ago that I have gestational diabetes and have since started insulin.  We were worried that he may be too big, but he is actually measuring on the smaller side.  He is now 3lbs 15oz.  He has hair:)  He gave us a smile.  I think he knew that we needed to see that today.  It melted my heart.  We scheduled the c-section today.  I can't believe if all goes as planned, we will meet our little man in seven weeks.

I love you Ella!  I miss you so much.

I love you Eli!  Can't wait to meet you.

   

An emotional week

I haven't posted much lately.  I am just in a place where it is hard to put into words how I am feeling.  This week has been an emotional one for me.  Wednesday was the due date of the baby we miscarried in December.  It was a strange day, full of mixed emotions.  Of course, I still grieve the baby we lost and love that little one.  I know that I will see him or her one day, just like I will be reunited with Ella.  At the same time, I know that if everything had gone fine with that pregnancy I wouldn't be carrying Eli right now.  I had a terrible nightmare tuesday night about a tornado chasing me and my baby.  It was the kind of nightmare that you wake up sweating with your heart pounding.  I think that started my day off weird.  I thought I would be okay, but I was really emotional and cried in front of a lady at work for the first time in awhile.  Since I am obviously showing now, I often get the question "is this your first?"  I have gotten strong enough to answer that question truthfully without having a breakdown now.  I usually just say no....and hope the conversation ends there.  But it almost always turns into how old is your other child?  Is is a boy or girl? ect.  That is what happened wednesday.  When I told the lady no, it is not my first.  She went on with the questions and I had to tell her that I have a daughter who passed away.  I held it together until she told me that was a pain she couldn't imagine and that no baby would ever replace her.  I know that of course, but I just started crying.

I wish I could have all of my babies. We are so excited to be preparing for Eli.  But it is always in the front of your mind.  It is hard undoing what we did for Ella or doing things that we were never able to do for her.  Like repainting the nursery we painted for Ella before we found out, or packing all of her clothes into her chest to make room for all of his things.   He is going to be a well dressed little man.  Between us, my mom, my sister, and Jon's mom...he has a closet full already.   And to end on a positive note, I am to the fun point in my pregnancy.  Eli is very active and I feel him moving around all the time.   I couldn't sleep the other night, so I got up and drank some apple juice.  Well at about 3:00 am, he became the karate kid and was moving like crazy:)  Jon has felt him move three times this week.  He loves it too.   It is so bittersweet at times.

I love you Ella!

Vacation

      We went on our summer vacation last week.  We spent the week at Mexico Beach, Fl. with Jon's family.  It was just what we needed.  It felt so good to relax, especially after the good news we received earlier in the week (the good ultra sound results).  I enjoyed it so much more than last year.  I can still remember how miserable I was at that point.  It was around six weeks after we lost Ella.  I thought getting away would help some, but it really didn't.
      Vacation was great this year.  But I still miss her so much.  I don't think I will ever go on a vacation or enjoy things with family and not think that someone is missing.  There were families all around us again with their little girls.  That always gets me.  I guess it always will.  The second I see a Dad and a little girl, I think I wish I could see Jon with Ella playing on the beach, and the same with mom's and their baby girls. I will never not think about Ella at those times.  Oh, and once again we saw a dragonfly on the beach almost everyday. 

I love you Ella!  I miss you so much!

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An update

     We had our big ultrasound yesterday.  I have to say that I was so nervous that I was sick before my appointment.  Being at the same point in the my pregnancy when I was told we wouldn't get to keep Ella was so difficult.  But, I am so happy to report that our baby boy looks wonderful!  I think he was asleep when we started the ultrasound.  But he woke up a few minutes into the scan and was moving like crazy.  I am already feeling a little movement almost daily, which I love.  He had his little feet crossed like he was sitting indian style...too cute:)  We saw a beautiful skull, his spine, a four chambered heart, a stomach, a bladder, and two kidneys.  And he is still a boy.  He is in the 62% growth wise and weighs in at 7oz.  My doctor said everything looks great and he is right where he should be.  I did have the blood work to tests my risks for spina bifida and down's syndrome and they told me those results won't be back for a few days.  But the scan looked good.  It felt like a million pounds was lifted off of my shoulders after we heard that.  Praise be to God!  I want to thank all of you who had been praying for our baby.  Jon and I have decided on a name for our baby boy.  It is Elijah Harley.  I know I have already posted his picture, but I had to add an updated one.

I know that Ella is looking out for her baby brother.  I love you Ella! I miss you so much.

Little Brother

Thank you all for the thoughts and prayers. We had our ultrasound today.  It was too early to see all the kidneys and get a good look at the other organs.  I was so hoping to hear that everything looked great.  We are scheduled for a repeat ultrasound in 2 weeks.  But we did find out that Ella will be the big sister to a little brother!  He wasn't shy at all about showing us that.  I guess a mother's intuition is usually right.  I knew Ella was a girl from the beginning and I had a feeling that this little man was a boy.  Please continue to pray that everything looks good in two weeks.  Here is our little man....