Ella slideshow

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Always on my mind

      Ella has been on my mind so much lately.  She is on my mind everyday, but the last few weeks have been intense.  I think it may be the time of year again.  Spring is coming, and it is getting sunny and warm.  I think the change in the air triggers all the memories and feelings I was having this time last year.  Last year at this time, I was big and pregnant, and Ella was so busy and safe inside my belly.  I loved that part of my pregnancy.  When I could feel her move all day and even see it because she would move so much a tidal wave would flow across my tummy.  I loved that Jon could see and feel her moving too.  I remember going in for a doctor's appt around this time.  My doctor put the doppler on my stomach to try to get her heartbeat.  Ella started moving like crazy.  I think she was kicking and punching the doppler.  He smiled and said "she is really active."  I think she surprised him that day. She surprised a lot of people. We got to see her beautiful little face and watch her move around on 3D ultrasound around this time last year.  We got to watch her suck her toes and fingers and purse her sweet lips. I wish I could relive those moments again.
     Don't get me wrong, it was a very hard time in my life.  For a  few months after we found out that Ella had anencephaly, I tried not to think about what was coming.  I just felt like I couldn't deal with it, and I would tell myself I had along time before I would have give birth and have to face everything. But once I was in the 30 week area, I knew I was running out of time.  And it was so hard.
      But we decided we were going to prepare like she was coming home with us from the hospital and hope and pray that she would.   We bought her clothes and tons of sweet little hats.  We already had a stroller and car seat that we had bought a couple of weeks before we found out.  We bought a bassinet.  I don't regret buying any of those things for her, even if we didn't get to use most of them.
     I have been dreaming about Ella a lot lately.  Most of the time, I don't really remember exactly what I dreamed.  I just remember that she was in it.  Last night, I dreamed that she was here with us.  She still had anencephaly, but she was doing great.  She was the age she should be now- around ten months old.  I don't remember much about the dream.  But, I do remember we were going somewhere and I was putting her in her car seat, and putting her stroller in the back of the car.  I just remember feeling so happy and proud in my dream that she was doing good and we were able to have her with us.  I so wish that were true.

I love you Ella!  I miss you so so so much!


  1. Oh, honey - if only that could be true! HUGS! This reminds me that one year ago this weekend, our family all went for a sonogram trip to see Karinne. Ah, such sweet and yet bittersweet memories!! Hard to believe our girls' birthday is just over 2 months away too.

  2. I love that dream! I wish that I could dream about Eli. For some reason I just can't. I also so love that you were so prepared for that sweet little angel to come home. What faith that speaks of. I wanted so badly to by things for Eli but just could not bring myself to do it. Sending love and hugs your way sweet friend! Praying for you!

  3. I wish that yourdream of her here were true

  4. I love how much Olivia moved, she too would always kick the doctor at appointments. I love your dream, Ella continues to live on through you. I think about you often at this time knowing the girls' birthdays are approaching.

  5. I to loved feeling/watching Amelia move safe in my belly. :)
    I do wish your dream were true! I suppose we will always want more time with our sweet baby girls!

  6. Bless your heart...I can't imagine knowing that feeling--that time was running out. People always ask if I'd rather known what was going to happen. On one hand, I do...on the other...I can't imagine the feeling you describe.

    Such strength and bravery you had...and still do. Sending you love!