Waves of Grief

     I know that people always use the phrase "grief comes in waves."  That is exactly what it is like.  I feel like it comes over me like a tidal wave.  I feel like my grief has been pretty constant, but there are times when it hits you and washes over you and you feel covered by it.  I have experienced quite a few of those tidal waves lately.
    I have been out of town at a work conference for a few days.  I went three days being away from Jon, away from my family, away from home.  It was the first time I have spent the night away from Jon since Ella was born.  I was dreading being apart that long.  But, the trip went well.  We had a good time.  I held myself together the whole three days.  Three days without crying is a long stretch for me still. 
    Even though I enjoyed the trip with my coworkers, I was so ready to be home.  So, yesterday I came home.  I was happy to be back home with Jon and with Max and Millie.  They were so excited to see me and I was so excited to see them.  But, within an hour of being home I was hit by the tidal wave.  I was overwhelmed by sadness, and missing Ella, and how much I wish life were different.  

I love you Ella!  I miss you so much!

Always on my mind

      Ella has been on my mind so much lately.  She is on my mind everyday, but the last few weeks have been intense.  I think it may be the time of year again.  Spring is coming, and it is getting sunny and warm.  I think the change in the air triggers all the memories and feelings I was having this time last year.  Last year at this time, I was big and pregnant, and Ella was so busy and safe inside my belly.  I loved that part of my pregnancy.  When I could feel her move all day and even see it because she would move so much a tidal wave would flow across my tummy.  I loved that Jon could see and feel her moving too.  I remember going in for a doctor's appt around this time.  My doctor put the doppler on my stomach to try to get her heartbeat.  Ella started moving like crazy.  I think she was kicking and punching the doppler.  He smiled and said "she is really active."  I think she surprised him that day. She surprised a lot of people. We got to see her beautiful little face and watch her move around on 3D ultrasound around this time last year.  We got to watch her suck her toes and fingers and purse her sweet lips. I wish I could relive those moments again.
     Don't get me wrong, it was a very hard time in my life.  For a  few months after we found out that Ella had anencephaly, I tried not to think about what was coming.  I just felt like I couldn't deal with it, and I would tell myself I had along time before I would have give birth and have to face everything. But once I was in the 30 week area, I knew I was running out of time.  And it was so hard.
      But we decided we were going to prepare like she was coming home with us from the hospital and hope and pray that she would.   We bought her clothes and tons of sweet little hats.  We already had a stroller and car seat that we had bought a couple of weeks before we found out.  We bought a bassinet.  I don't regret buying any of those things for her, even if we didn't get to use most of them.
     I have been dreaming about Ella a lot lately.  Most of the time, I don't really remember exactly what I dreamed.  I just remember that she was in it.  Last night, I dreamed that she was here with us.  She still had anencephaly, but she was doing great.  She was the age she should be now- around ten months old.  I don't remember much about the dream.  But, I do remember we were going somewhere and I was putting her in her car seat, and putting her stroller in the back of the car.  I just remember feeling so happy and proud in my dream that she was doing good and we were able to have her with us.  I so wish that were true.

I love you Ella!  I miss you so so so much!