Thankful

"I will give thanks to the Lord because of His righteousness; I will sing the praises of the name of the Lord Most High." Psalm 7:17

Thanksgiving Day is approaching.  If I am honest, I would have to say that for months I have been dreading Thanksgiving Day.  November 25th of last year was one of the worst days of my life.  It was the day before Thanksgiving.  It was the day that we found out that we wouldn't get to keep our baby because she was anencephalic.  We had hoped that we could tell our family on Thanksgiving Day if we were having a boy or girl, but we had to call them the day before and give them the devastating news and tell them we wouldn't be leaving the house for Thanksgiving.  I can say that I wasn't feeling very thankful last year.

So,a few months ago I looked at the calendar-hoping that Thanksgiving day wouldn't fall on November 25th, but of course it does.  That being said,  I want this year to be different. 

I DO have a lot to be thankful for.  These are only a few of those things......

I am thankful for my wonderful husband, who I am so blessed to have in my life.
I am thankful for my wonderful mother, who is always there for me through thick and thin.
I am thankful for my wonderful sister, who is so supportive and such a great friend.
I am thankful for all of my other family members, including Jon's family-they are the best inlaws I could ever ask for.
I am thankful for my Millie, Max and Lucky, who love me and make me smile.
I am thankful for Ella.
I am thankful that God chose me to be Ella's mommy.
I am thankful that God gave me twenty hours to hold her, feel her in my arms, hear her sweet cry, kiss her sweet lips, and touch her beautiful soft skin.
I am thankful that God sent his son to die for my sins, so that one day I will be able to go to heaven and be with Him, and be with my sweet baby girl again!

I love you Ella!

Ella's presence

     I went to Target today.  I love shopping at Target.  Going in Target is a trigger for me.  As soon as I found out I was pregnant, Jon and I spent so much time in the baby section looking at all the things we wanted to buy for our baby.  Then at the end of my pregnancy I spent so much time looking at clothes and things for Ella there.  We had no idea if she would get to wear them, but she has a closet full of clothes. 
     Today, I went in for a few things I needed.  I stopped at the dollar spot and found a little tree.  I put it in the buggy.  I had been planning to make a Christmas arrangement or little tree for Ella's grave, but wasn't sure what I would do.  I wandered around the store and then went to the Christmas section to look for some ornaments.  The first ones I saw were the "Baby's first Christmas" ones.  It hit me like a ton of bricks.  I was fighting back tears, because I want to be buying those SO bad for Ella.  I walked around the Christmas section looking for some tiny ornaments, then I saw a cute little white tree with a red star on top.  It is a little bigger -2ft.  I traded out the scrawny little tree for the white one and found some ornaments for it.  I found one that I love.  It is a little silver angel with crystal wings that says "loved."  I have a plan now.  We will decorate the tree and put it at Ella's grave.  And then family can bring an ornament for Ella too if they want.  It is going to be a yearly tradition.  It isn't at all what I had planned for this Christmas, but it makes me feel so much better to have a way to include Ella during the holidays.
     As soon as I got home, the wind chimes were chiming.  They have been chiming like crazy again.  I can feel Ella's presence so much today.  That may sound crazy.  I know she is in Heaven, but there are times when I "feel" her presence.  I love those times.

I love you Ella!! I miss you so much !!

Letter to Ella (part 2)

Ella,
I can't believe it will be six months tomorrow since you were born.  Half of a year has passed since you were here with me.  That is so hard for me to believe.  I miss you so much.  I still think about you all of the time.  I hate how much distance time has made from the last time I touched your precious face or kissed your beautiful lips or held your little hand.  When I am feeling sad because of how long it has been since you were here with me, I have to remind myself that I am that much closer to seeing you again.  I was thinking about you today when I was driving and a song came on the radio that I had never heard.  It was called "save a place for me." It made me think of you.

I love you so much!
Love,
Mommy



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