A Gift from God

James 1:17-18

17 Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change. 18 Of his own will He brought us forth by the word of truth, that we should be a kind of firstfruits of his creatures.

This was the bible verse today on a prayer blog that I follow.  Though the past year has been the hardest of my life, I know that Ella was a gift from God-an amazing gift.  I just want to give thanks. Thank you Lord for my family.  Thank you Lord for my precious daughter and for the time I had with her.  Thank you for blessing me with her. Amen.

I love you Ella!

Our Cruise

     Thanks for the happy anniversary wishes and prayers for good weather.  We had a great time on the cruise.  When we got to the hotel Wednesday night, there were three tropical storms/hurricanes.  But, we ended up having beautiful weather and a great trip. There is nothing more relaxing than being on the ocean to me.
     We spent the first day in Key West.  We just walked around and went into a lot of shops that day.  One of the first things we saw was a stand with seashells that had names on them.  We looked and right away found one with Ella's name on it.  We bought two.  I love Ella's name.  I love to see it written out.  Everytime I see anything with names on it, I find myself searching for hers.   
    The second day, we stopped in Cozumel, Mexico.  We took a bus to the beach, and spent the afternoon there.  It was a beautiful day.  The beach was gorgeous, the food was great (we had a buffet at the beach...of course).   Then after our beach time, we spent a couple of hours in the city. I really enjoyed that day.  I think this is probably the first time since we lost Ella that I can truly say I felt this way.
   There were moments that were hard- especially seeing all of the families on the ship with their little girls.  That always sends me to "this isn't how it should be" thoughts.   And, there was one night at dinner when our waiter was asking "did we have any children?  were we going to have children soon?"  He was laughing and being friendly. We were seated with strangers, and we didn't say that we had children.  I felt horrible again- I hate answering like that.  I have been saying "yes, a daughter in heaven" but sometimes it just catches me off guard.
    But, the majority of the trip was great.  I am so thankful that we were able to celebrate our anniversary and enjoy ourselves.  I had a great time with my wonderful husband.

I love you Ella! I miss you so much! 

Cozumel, Mexico

Shell from Key West

 

Four year Anniversary

I am posting this a few days early, because I won't be here to post it on our anniversary. September the 16th will be our four year anniversary. I can't believe it has been four years since I married my best friend! I am so blessed to have such an awesome man to spend my life with.

Four years ago, we had no idea of the road ahead of us when we made our vows to each other. I really know what those vows we made to each other mean now, and how important they are. We experienced the best and the worst this past year. The best-having Ella, holding her in our arms, and becoming a family. The worst was of course losing her. I have to say that Jon was there for me 100% through all of it. I got to see a new side of him this year that made me fall more in love with him than ever. I got to see him as a wonderful loving Dad and the most supportive husband I could dream of.

We are going on a cruise for our anniversary. We are leaving from Miami and cruising to Key West and Cozumel (if Igor doesn't turn into a hurricane and change that). We have gone on two cruises before and enjoyed them both so much. The last one was seven years ago-so it has been awhile. I am excited to spend the week on the ocean with my husband! I am blessed to have a partner that I enjoy being with so much. I know that we will have a good time together. That being said, there is still that part of me that feels like screaming "this isn't how it should be!" This isn't what Jon and I should be doing four months after the birth of our daughter. It isn't what we planned. I guess that this feeling will always be there, and I accept that. I actually don't want that to go away. I know that Jon feels the same way.

But, I am going to enjoy my time with my husband...I know that is what Ella would want.

I love you Jon! I am so lucky to be your wife.

I love you Ella! You brought mommy and daddy closer than ever...we miss you so much!

One of those days

It has been one of those days (or actually a few of those days). The days that the feeling of missing Ella overwhelms me. I miss her all of the time, but there are days when it just washes over me like a tidal wave. I think it is the time of the year. Everywhere I go I see something or do something that reminds me last year at this time-right after we found out I was pregnant or it makes me think of how I thought things were going to be now. I try not to dwell on how things should be, but that has been so hard the last few days.
I want her here with me. I want to dress her in her Florida Gator booties and hat that we bought her last football season. I want to be taking her to cookouts and family get togethers. I want to hold her again. I want everything to be different than it is.
It is just one of those days that all I can think about is how much I miss her.

I love you Ella! I miss you SO much!