Time

Time has been such a strange thing the last eight and a half months.  There have been so many moments when it has felt like the world has stopped turning or time has stood still.  Like on May 10 at 8:11 am when Ella was born.  I remember her crying, I remember someone saying she was born at 8:11 (I don't remember who said it), and I remember her doctor bringing her to us.  I remember seeing her beautiful face for the first time, I remember holding her for the first time. But it is almost like I am remembering from an out of body experience-if that makes since.  It was just like the world had stopped turning at that moment.  And it felt like time continued to stand still as we spent the day with our precious baby. I am so thankful for that time and the memories we got to make with Ella.  No amount of time could ever be enough, but I am so thankful for the time that we got to hold her and love her and kiss her.  I am so thankful that she got to meet her grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins and feel their love for her too.

Then after Ella passed away it felt like the world was turning, but we were standing still again.  I remember moments when I would look around me and be shocked that people were going on with everyday life.   I remember one moment so vividly.  Jon had gone inside the hospital to get my paperwork to turn into the insurance company so they would approve my fmla time.  It was so sunny out and I was sitting in the car.  I saw a lady jogging by, and it just blew me away for some reason.  I just couldn't understand how the world was still turning even though for me it felt like it wasn't.

Now time is passing so fast.   It seems like it has been a eternity since Ella was here with us.  I don't like that feeling at all.  They say that time heals all wounds-but I don't agree with that.  No amount of time could heal the wound of losing a child.  And no amount of time will erase the memories we have.  When the gap from when we were with Ella on earth widens I have to keep reminding myself that the gap between now and when we see her again is getting smaller.

I love you Ella!  I miss you so much baby girl!

"Hold Fast"

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Have you ever heard a song and known that it was exactly what you needed to hear at that moment?  That happened to me yesterday.  The song is called "hold fast" by Mercy Me. I don't know if it is a new song, but yesterday was the first time I have ever heard it. I felt like I should share it.  I know one of the feelings I have felt so often lately is hopeless.   I guess that feeling is just part of grief.  But, I know that the truth is that there is always hope in God.

To everyone who's hurting

To those who've had enough
To all the undeserving
That should cover all of us
Please do not let go
I promise there is hope

Hold fast
Help is on the way
Hold fast

He's come to save the day
What I've learned in my life
One thing greater than my strifeIs His grasp

So hold fast

Will this season ever pass?
Can we stop this ride?
Will we see the sun at last?
Or could this be our lot in life?
Please do not let go
I promise you there's hope

Hold fast
Help is on the way
Hold fast
He's come to save the day

What I've learned in my life
One thing greater than my strife

Is Your grasp
So hold fast

You may think you're all alone
And there's no way that anyone could know
What you're going through
But if you only hear one thing
Just understand that we are all the same
Searching for the truth
The truth of what we're soon to face
Unless someone comes to take our place
Is there anyone?
All we want is to be free
Free from our captivity, Lord
Here He comes

Hold fast
Help is on the way
Hold fast
He's come to save the day

What I've learned in my life
One thing greater than my strife
Is Your grasp
So hold fast


I love you Ella!