An emotional week

I haven't posted much lately.  I am just in a place where it is hard to put into words how I am feeling.  This week has been an emotional one for me.  Wednesday was the due date of the baby we miscarried in December.  It was a strange day, full of mixed emotions.  Of course, I still grieve the baby we lost and love that little one.  I know that I will see him or her one day, just like I will be reunited with Ella.  At the same time, I know that if everything had gone fine with that pregnancy I wouldn't be carrying Eli right now.  I had a terrible nightmare tuesday night about a tornado chasing me and my baby.  It was the kind of nightmare that you wake up sweating with your heart pounding.  I think that started my day off weird.  I thought I would be okay, but I was really emotional and cried in front of a lady at work for the first time in awhile.  Since I am obviously showing now, I often get the question "is this your first?"  I have gotten strong enough to answer that question truthfully without having a breakdown now.  I usually just say no....and hope the conversation ends there.  But it almost always turns into how old is your other child?  Is is a boy or girl? ect.  That is what happened wednesday.  When I told the lady no, it is not my first.  She went on with the questions and I had to tell her that I have a daughter who passed away.  I held it together until she told me that was a pain she couldn't imagine and that no baby would ever replace her.  I know that of course, but I just started crying.

I wish I could have all of my babies. We are so excited to be preparing for Eli.  But it is always in the front of your mind.  It is hard undoing what we did for Ella or doing things that we were never able to do for her.  Like repainting the nursery we painted for Ella before we found out, or packing all of her clothes into her chest to make room for all of his things.   He is going to be a well dressed little man.  Between us, my mom, my sister, and Jon's mom...he has a closet full already.   And to end on a positive note, I am to the fun point in my pregnancy.  Eli is very active and I feel him moving around all the time.   I couldn't sleep the other night, so I got up and drank some apple juice.  Well at about 3:00 am, he became the karate kid and was moving like crazy:)  Jon has felt him move three times this week.  He loves it too.   It is so bittersweet at times.

I love you Ella!

Vacation

      We went on our summer vacation last week.  We spent the week at Mexico Beach, Fl. with Jon's family.  It was just what we needed.  It felt so good to relax, especially after the good news we received earlier in the week (the good ultra sound results).  I enjoyed it so much more than last year.  I can still remember how miserable I was at that point.  It was around six weeks after we lost Ella.  I thought getting away would help some, but it really didn't.
      Vacation was great this year.  But I still miss her so much.  I don't think I will ever go on a vacation or enjoy things with family and not think that someone is missing.  There were families all around us again with their little girls.  That always gets me.  I guess it always will.  The second I see a Dad and a little girl, I think I wish I could see Jon with Ella playing on the beach, and the same with mom's and their baby girls. I will never not think about Ella at those times.  Oh, and once again we saw a dragonfly on the beach almost everyday. 

I love you Ella!  I miss you so much!

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An update

     We had our big ultrasound yesterday.  I have to say that I was so nervous that I was sick before my appointment.  Being at the same point in the my pregnancy when I was told we wouldn't get to keep Ella was so difficult.  But, I am so happy to report that our baby boy looks wonderful!  I think he was asleep when we started the ultrasound.  But he woke up a few minutes into the scan and was moving like crazy.  I am already feeling a little movement almost daily, which I love.  He had his little feet crossed like he was sitting indian style...too cute:)  We saw a beautiful skull, his spine, a four chambered heart, a stomach, a bladder, and two kidneys.  And he is still a boy.  He is in the 62% growth wise and weighs in at 7oz.  My doctor said everything looks great and he is right where he should be.  I did have the blood work to tests my risks for spina bifida and down's syndrome and they told me those results won't be back for a few days.  But the scan looked good.  It felt like a million pounds was lifted off of my shoulders after we heard that.  Praise be to God!  I want to thank all of you who had been praying for our baby.  Jon and I have decided on a name for our baby boy.  It is Elijah Harley.  I know I have already posted his picture, but I had to add an updated one.

I know that Ella is looking out for her baby brother.  I love you Ella! I miss you so much.

Little Brother

Thank you all for the thoughts and prayers. We had our ultrasound today.  It was too early to see all the kidneys and get a good look at the other organs.  I was so hoping to hear that everything looked great.  We are scheduled for a repeat ultrasound in 2 weeks.  But we did find out that Ella will be the big sister to a little brother!  He wasn't shy at all about showing us that.  I guess a mother's intuition is usually right.  I knew Ella was a girl from the beginning and I had a feeling that this little man was a boy.  Please continue to pray that everything looks good in two weeks.  Here is our little man....

Prayer Request

     I am asking for prayers again.  Tuesday I am scheduled for the anatomy scan.  I will only be 15 weeks 2 days, but my doctor said we can do it early and hopefully relieve some anxiety.  It may be too early to see everything, but he said if it is we will repeat the scan in a couple of weeks.  We have already had a lot of ultrasounds, since my baby decides to hide from the doctor every time he tries to get a heart rate on doppler.  And so far the baby has looked great.  My doctor has already told me that the baby has developed a skull, so anencephaly can be ruled out.  That was such a huge huge relief.  But, being part of a community of women who have lost their babies has made me very aware of all of the other things that can be life threatening. 
      It is hard not to go through this pregnancy and not think about how it was when I was this far along with Ella.  We couldn't wait for the anatomy scan, so that we could find out if we were having a boy or girl.  There was always worry in the back of my mind, even with Ella.  I always had this nagging feeling that we would find out something was wrong.   
     This time we are excited to find out the sex, but of course that is the least of our worries. Please keep us and our baby in your prayers.  I really feel positive right now, but I do have moments when the scary thoughts creep in.

I love you Ella!

A sweet story

I am resposting a story I read on a friend's blog.  It brought tears to my eyes and made me think of Ella so much- I had to share.




                                     The Brave Little Soul

Not long ago in heaven there was a little soul who took wonder in observing the world. He especially enjoyed the love he saw there and often expressed this joy with God. One day however, the little soul was sad, for on this day he saw suffering in the world. He approached God and sadly asked, "Why do bad things happen, why is there suffering in the world?"

God paused for a moment and replied, "Little soul, do not be sad, for the suffering you see, unlocks the love in people's hearts."

The little soul was confused. "What do you mean?, he asked.

God replied, "Have you not noticed the goodness and love that is the offspring of that suffering? Look at how people come together, drop their differences, and show their love and compassion for those who suffer. All their other motivations disappear and they become motivated by love alone." The little soul began to understand and listened attentively as God continued, "The suffering soul unlocks the love in people's hearts much like the sun and rain unlock the flower within the seed. I created everyone with endless love in their hearts, but unfortunately most people keep it locked up and hardly share it with anyone. They are afraid to let their love shine free, because they are afraid of being hurt. But a suffering soul unlocks that love. I tell you this, it is the greatest miracle of all. Many souls have bravely chosen to go into the world and suffer, to unlock this love, to create this miracle, for the good of all humanity."

Just then the little soul got a wonderful idea and could not hardly contain himself. With his wings fluttering, and bounding up and down, the little soul excitedly replied, "I am brave; let me go! I would like to go into this world and suffer so that I can unlock the goodness and love in people's hearts! I want to create that miracle!"

God smiled and said, "You are a brave soul I know, and thus I will grant your request. But even though you are very brave, you will not be able to do this alone. I have known since the beginning of time that you would ask for this and so I have carefully selected many souls to care for you on your journey. Those souls will help you create your miracle; however they will also share in your suffering. Two of these souls are most special and will care for you, help you and suffer along with you, far beyond others. They have already chosen a name for you."

God and the brave little soul shared a smile, and then embraced. In parting, God said, "Do not forget little soul, that I will be with you always. Although you have agreed to bear the pain, you will do so through my strength. And if the time should come when you feel that you have suffered enough, just say the word, think the thought, and you will be healed.

Thus at that moment the brave little soul was born into the world, and through his suffering and God's strength he unlocked the goodness and love in people's hearts. For so many people dropped their differences and came together to show their love. Priorities became properly aligned. People gave from their hearts. Those that were always too busy, found time. Many began new spiritual journeys, some regained faith, many came back to God. Parents hugged their children tighter. Friends and family grew closer. Old friends got together and new friendships were made. distant family reunited, and every family spent more time together. Everyone prayed. Peace and love reigned. Lives were changed forever. It was good. The world was a better place. The miracle happened. God was pleased.

Happy Birthday Ella

     Happy Birthday my sweet baby girl!  I can't believe it has been a whole year since I held you in my arms.  Although at times it feels like an eternity.  It has been way too long.  I have been thinking about you all day and the things that we were doing with you this time last year.  About this time last year, you were about to eat for the first time.  I wish I could relive those moments with you.  I wish I could hold you.  I wish I could kiss your sweet lips and touch your soft skin.  I remember your sweet baby smell so well, and I promise I even smelled it again one time today. 
     Daddy and I decided not to have a party or a cake.  It just didn't feel right to us without you here.  But everyone brought you presents.  Leaving them and the cemetary today felt so wrong...even though I know you aren't really there.  I know you are having a better birthday in Heaven than we could ever give you here.
     I just want you to know that you made me the proudest mommy ever.  I miss you and love you more than I could ever say.

Love you,
Mommy