Time

Time has been such a strange thing the last eight and a half months.  There have been so many moments when it has felt like the world has stopped turning or time has stood still.  Like on May 10 at 8:11 am when Ella was born.  I remember her crying, I remember someone saying she was born at 8:11 (I don't remember who said it), and I remember her doctor bringing her to us.  I remember seeing her beautiful face for the first time, I remember holding her for the first time. But it is almost like I am remembering from an out of body experience-if that makes since.  It was just like the world had stopped turning at that moment.  And it felt like time continued to stand still as we spent the day with our precious baby. I am so thankful for that time and the memories we got to make with Ella.  No amount of time could ever be enough, but I am so thankful for the time that we got to hold her and love her and kiss her.  I am so thankful that she got to meet her grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins and feel their love for her too.

Then after Ella passed away it felt like the world was turning, but we were standing still again.  I remember moments when I would look around me and be shocked that people were going on with everyday life.   I remember one moment so vividly.  Jon had gone inside the hospital to get my paperwork to turn into the insurance company so they would approve my fmla time.  It was so sunny out and I was sitting in the car.  I saw a lady jogging by, and it just blew me away for some reason.  I just couldn't understand how the world was still turning even though for me it felt like it wasn't.

Now time is passing so fast.   It seems like it has been a eternity since Ella was here with us.  I don't like that feeling at all.  They say that time heals all wounds-but I don't agree with that.  No amount of time could heal the wound of losing a child.  And no amount of time will erase the memories we have.  When the gap from when we were with Ella on earth widens I have to keep reminding myself that the gap between now and when we see her again is getting smaller.

I love you Ella!  I miss you so much baby girl!

"Hold Fast"

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Have you ever heard a song and known that it was exactly what you needed to hear at that moment?  That happened to me yesterday.  The song is called "hold fast" by Mercy Me. I don't know if it is a new song, but yesterday was the first time I have ever heard it. I felt like I should share it.  I know one of the feelings I have felt so often lately is hopeless.   I guess that feeling is just part of grief.  But, I know that the truth is that there is always hope in God.

To everyone who's hurting

To those who've had enough
To all the undeserving
That should cover all of us
Please do not let go
I promise there is hope

Hold fast
Help is on the way
Hold fast

He's come to save the day
What I've learned in my life
One thing greater than my strifeIs His grasp

So hold fast

Will this season ever pass?
Can we stop this ride?
Will we see the sun at last?
Or could this be our lot in life?
Please do not let go
I promise you there's hope

Hold fast
Help is on the way
Hold fast
He's come to save the day

What I've learned in my life
One thing greater than my strife

Is Your grasp
So hold fast

You may think you're all alone
And there's no way that anyone could know
What you're going through
But if you only hear one thing
Just understand that we are all the same
Searching for the truth
The truth of what we're soon to face
Unless someone comes to take our place
Is there anyone?
All we want is to be free
Free from our captivity, Lord
Here He comes

Hold fast
Help is on the way
Hold fast
He's come to save the day

What I've learned in my life
One thing greater than my strife
Is Your grasp
So hold fast


I love you Ella!

2010

2010 is almost over.  I can't believe it.  I can't believe how much life has changed in this one year.   Part of me will be happy to watch the clock roll over to midnight tonight, and the other part of me will be really sad.   This year was defintitely the hardest of my life- no other year can even come close enough to compare.  But, it was also filled with so many amazing moments and joy.  I would never give up the tears I have cried this year if that meant I had to give up my time with Ella.

In 2010, I got to spend  four and a half months with Ella happy and safe inside my belly.  I got to feel her grow, and squirm and hiccup.  Then on May 10, 2010, I got to hold a piece of Heaven in my arms for a day- I would never trade that for anything.  I miss those chubby cheeks and beautiful lips so much.  I am so glad that I got to hold those precious little hands and big feet that looked just like her daddy's in my hands. Jon and I looked at some of her pictures last night and talked about all of her precious little features.  It still amazes me that we made such a beautiful little baby.

I hope and pray that 2011 isn't filled with so much heartache. But, I can't look back on 2010 and only think of pain...because I expereinced a lot more than that.  I became mommy to an angel and experienced a love that I can't explain.

I love you Ella!  I miss you so so much!





2010-The year that forever changed our lives and our hearts



Glad that is over

I am usually so sad when Christmas is over.  It has always been my favorite time of the year.  I love the whole change in atmosphere, the lights, the trees,the music, holiday traditions and movies, spending time with family.  And of course the real reason we celebrate Christmas- the fact that it is Jesus's birthday.

Last year we struggled through Christmas.  December 2nd was the day that Ella's anencephlay was confirmed by the level 2 ultrasound.  It was hard to celebrate and be merry knowing that we were going to lose her.  We didn't even put up a tree.  I still feel a lot of guilt about that.  I wish I had handled my feelings better.  I wish I could have given Ella the best Christmas ever while she was still her with me-I was so stupid. We did buy her an angel bear last year, and I loved every minute she was with me.  I just should have celabrated with her instead of crying with her.

Of course, I knew this year would be really hard without her here.  Then, right before Thanksgiving we got a surprise.  We were pregnant again.  Those first few weeks were scary but exciting.  We had hope that next year would be different at the holidays.  That hope didn't change the fact that we still missed Ella so much.  It just gave us something to be excited about again-which I haven't felt in a long time.  But, again that hope was taken away.  I had a miscarriage on 12/21/10 and  a d&c the next day.  I wasn't going to talk about this little one on Ella's blog because I wanted this to be her place, but now that this little one is gone I don't want to forget about him/her either.  We loved this baby too from the time we saw two pink lines.

So, I haven't been in the Christmas mood at all.  It is hard to celebrate and laugh when it feels like a hole is missing from your chest.  Presents seem so unimportant when the people I want more than anything in the world, I can't have.  When someone would ask "what do you want for Christmas?" - I just feel like screaming- I can't have what I want!  I am really struggling trying to understand all of this.  And for the second year in a row, I am not sad that Christmas is over.  I am still thankful that Jesus is the Reason for the Season, but this Christmas was so hard.

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas sweet angel!  Mommy and Daddy miss you so so much.  I wish you were spending your first Christmas here with us.  You are the best gift we could have ever asked for.   We love you so much!

Special Photo

Thnak you to Shannon, who also lost her sweet daughter to anencephaly.  She made an angel tree and sent this photo to me.  I love it.

Christmas without you

The Holidays are hard.  I knew that they would be. I thought that this would be our first Christmas with a baby at home. I wish that was the way it is so bad.  I wish that I was buying presents for Ella.  I wish I could hang a stocking for her.  I wish she could get her first picture with Santa.  I wish I could dress her in cute little Christmas dresses.  I could go on for days with my wish list, but I won't.   I can't do the things that I want to be doing with my daughter.  But I really want her to be included in the holidays.  So, like I had posted earlier, we decided to put a little tree at her grave.  This is going to be our new tradition. Jon and I put it out the day after Thanksgiving.  Then my family went after our Thanksgiving dinner (which was actually the following Sunday).  And Jon's family has also added ornaments since then.  I love that everyone spent so much time and thought in the ornaments that they picked for Ella.  Thank you all so much!

From Mommy and Daddy

From Mommy and Daddy

From Mommy and Daddy

From Grandma says"Grandma loves me"

Joel Michael adding Ella's name ornament that he looked so hard for!

From Joel Michael

From Aunt Lorrie and Uncle Joel



From Aunt Lorrie and Uncle Joel



From Aunt Michelle, Uncle Bryan, Travis and Tyler

From Ginny



From Grandad





From my coworker Debbie

I love you Ella!  I miss you so much!