This is hard

     I have had a hard time blogging lately.  I started my blog because I wanted to talk about Ella, and about my feelings.  But, I don't always feel like sharing all of my feelings.  I feel like people probably get tired of reading the same things about how I feel over and over again.  So, I haven't been posting much.
     It has been almost six months since Ella was born and since she passed.  Six months seems like a long time.  I really thought that after six months everything would be a little easier to deal with.  But, the truth is that it isn't.  I really don't feel any better, and I definitely don't miss her any less.  I know that will never change.  I will always feel that strong urge to be with her again.  I will always feel like a part of me died on May 11th too.  There will always be someone missing from my life, and I will always think about her when I am doing things that I thought my daughter would be doing with me. 
      I try not to think about the way things should have been all of the time.  But, I really think that is impossible for me.  I can't do it.  Everytime I see other families and babies I think that should be us.  We should have a family on earth now.  I should be dressing Ella in her halloween costume this year.  It is so hard and it really doesn't seem fair.  Everytime someone announces a birth or shows off an ultrasound picture I feel conflicting emotions.  I feel happy for them, but it makes me so sad for us.  I don't like being like that, but if I said I didn't feel it I would be lying. 
     Life is hard right now.  Somedays I feel like I am just going through the motions of life and not living.  I don't know how to make that different, but I want to.  We are at the point where we have to think about our future.  Jon and I both want a family so bad.  We want children.  We want Ella to be one of those children here with us more than anything- but we know that we can't have that.  Everything and every decision is so hard right now for me.  Please keep us in your prayers. 

I love you Ella!  I miss you so much!!!

wind chimes

A few months ago, a loss group that I am part of did a secret elf exchange.  The person who drew my name sent a very thoughtful gift.  She sent a remembrance Christmas ornament and some beautiful wind chimes.  She said the chimes were to remind me of Ella's constant presence in our lives.  We hung the chimes on our front porch so that we could hear them chiming from inside the house.  They chime every now and then, and it is the most beautiful sound.  Everytime they do, I think about my sweet Ella and how she will always be such a huge part of my life.  She is always on my mind and in my heart.  Today, they have been chiming all day, even as I type this post.

I love you sweet baby!  I miss you so much!

Today

...is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.  I had never heard of this until a month or so ago, which means that most people who haven't expreienced the loss of a pregnancy or the loss of a baby probably haven't heard of it either.
     I don't need a day to remind me to remember  Ella.  I think about her all of the time.  But, I do think it is important to raise awaresness that there are so many people who have been through the loss of a child- and that is definitely the hardest thing I have been through in my life. I have met so many mom's who have been through similar situations online, and talking to them has helped me so much.  There are days when I feel like no one gets it, and then I will log onto the computer and read someones blog and see that there are other people feeling the same way right now.  I wish that no one ever had to feel this.  But, connecting with other ladies going through the same situation has given me so much comfort and made me feel not so alone. 
     It makes me sad that people going through an infant loss years ago probably didn't have anyone to talk to who was going through something similar.  I know that my mom was one of these people.  She lost my sister, Chandra, when she was 11 months old.   Chandra was the oldest, and that was before I was born.   I know that it had to be so hard for my mom-and I hate that she had to experience that.  My mom is always there for me when I need her and has been here throughout all of this last year.  Thank you mama- I love you!
     So, today I will be thinking about Ella.  I will be thinking about Chandra.  I will be thinking about all the babies who I have come to know through their mommies this year.

Thank you Shannon for making this pumpkin for Ella!!  I love it!


I love you Ella!!  I miss you so much!

One of my favorite memories

     One of my favorite memories of Ella came during our 32 week ultrasound.  That was our third ultrasound.  The first two were horrible-those are days that I wish I could forget.  The first one was at 16 weeks and six days.  That was the horrible day that we found out that Ella had anencephaly. We went into the doctor's  office so excited to see our baby for the first time, but left the office devasted.  The second one was a week later.  We were sent to a perinatologist for a more detailed ultrasound to confirm the anencephaly. Of course, our worst fears were confirmed.  We also found out that day that we were indeed having a girl like we had known all along.

     Up until the 32 weeks ultrasound, we really had no clue what Ella looked like.  The only pictures they gave us from the earlier ones was one of her foot and one of her girl parts.  We were so blessed to have an awesome ultrasound tech at our 32 week appt. She did a 3d ultrasound and let us watch Ella wiggle around for 20 minutes or so.  I remember seeing what her beautiful face looked like for the first time.  It was so bittersweet.  She was SO active! She was smacking her lips, playing with the umbilical cord, sucking her  fingers and sucking her toes.  Seeing how happy and comfortable she was gave me so much peace.  I had  worried that she may be uncomfortable because of the anencephaly-but that day those fears were put to rest.  She looked so happy.
     I toted a photo album around in my purse with all of those pictures in it the rest of my pregnancy.  I wanted to show her off to the world so bad, but I knew that I would probably have a meltdown if I did.  I did, and still do have a hard time talking about her without crying.  So, I only showed them to family.  So....here they are.  Some of my favorite memories captured on ultrasound. (please excuse the format)

This one is of her perfect profile.  You can see her big foot.

             I love this one.  She is smiling or laughing.

Sucking her finger

                               And, my favorite!  showing off those beautiful lips!

                           I love you Ella!  I miss you sweet baby!

A Gift from God

James 1:17-18

17 Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change. 18 Of his own will He brought us forth by the word of truth, that we should be a kind of firstfruits of his creatures.

This was the bible verse today on a prayer blog that I follow.  Though the past year has been the hardest of my life, I know that Ella was a gift from God-an amazing gift.  I just want to give thanks. Thank you Lord for my family.  Thank you Lord for my precious daughter and for the time I had with her.  Thank you for blessing me with her. Amen.

I love you Ella!

Our Cruise

     Thanks for the happy anniversary wishes and prayers for good weather.  We had a great time on the cruise.  When we got to the hotel Wednesday night, there were three tropical storms/hurricanes.  But, we ended up having beautiful weather and a great trip. There is nothing more relaxing than being on the ocean to me.
     We spent the first day in Key West.  We just walked around and went into a lot of shops that day.  One of the first things we saw was a stand with seashells that had names on them.  We looked and right away found one with Ella's name on it.  We bought two.  I love Ella's name.  I love to see it written out.  Everytime I see anything with names on it, I find myself searching for hers.   
    The second day, we stopped in Cozumel, Mexico.  We took a bus to the beach, and spent the afternoon there.  It was a beautiful day.  The beach was gorgeous, the food was great (we had a buffet at the beach...of course).   Then after our beach time, we spent a couple of hours in the city. I really enjoyed that day.  I think this is probably the first time since we lost Ella that I can truly say I felt this way.
   There were moments that were hard- especially seeing all of the families on the ship with their little girls.  That always sends me to "this isn't how it should be" thoughts.   And, there was one night at dinner when our waiter was asking "did we have any children?  were we going to have children soon?"  He was laughing and being friendly. We were seated with strangers, and we didn't say that we had children.  I felt horrible again- I hate answering like that.  I have been saying "yes, a daughter in heaven" but sometimes it just catches me off guard.
    But, the majority of the trip was great.  I am so thankful that we were able to celebrate our anniversary and enjoy ourselves.  I had a great time with my wonderful husband.

I love you Ella! I miss you so much! 

Cozumel, Mexico

Shell from Key West

 

Four year Anniversary

I am posting this a few days early, because I won't be here to post it on our anniversary. September the 16th will be our four year anniversary. I can't believe it has been four years since I married my best friend! I am so blessed to have such an awesome man to spend my life with.

Four years ago, we had no idea of the road ahead of us when we made our vows to each other. I really know what those vows we made to each other mean now, and how important they are. We experienced the best and the worst this past year. The best-having Ella, holding her in our arms, and becoming a family. The worst was of course losing her. I have to say that Jon was there for me 100% through all of it. I got to see a new side of him this year that made me fall more in love with him than ever. I got to see him as a wonderful loving Dad and the most supportive husband I could dream of.

We are going on a cruise for our anniversary. We are leaving from Miami and cruising to Key West and Cozumel (if Igor doesn't turn into a hurricane and change that). We have gone on two cruises before and enjoyed them both so much. The last one was seven years ago-so it has been awhile. I am excited to spend the week on the ocean with my husband! I am blessed to have a partner that I enjoy being with so much. I know that we will have a good time together. That being said, there is still that part of me that feels like screaming "this isn't how it should be!" This isn't what Jon and I should be doing four months after the birth of our daughter. It isn't what we planned. I guess that this feeling will always be there, and I accept that. I actually don't want that to go away. I know that Jon feels the same way.

But, I am going to enjoy my time with my husband...I know that is what Ella would want.

I love you Jon! I am so lucky to be your wife.

I love you Ella! You brought mommy and daddy closer than ever...we miss you so much!