A Gift from God

James 1:17-18

17 Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change. 18 Of his own will He brought us forth by the word of truth, that we should be a kind of firstfruits of his creatures.

This was the bible verse today on a prayer blog that I follow.  Though the past year has been the hardest of my life, I know that Ella was a gift from God-an amazing gift.  I just want to give thanks. Thank you Lord for my family.  Thank you Lord for my precious daughter and for the time I had with her.  Thank you for blessing me with her. Amen.

I love you Ella!

Our Cruise

     Thanks for the happy anniversary wishes and prayers for good weather.  We had a great time on the cruise.  When we got to the hotel Wednesday night, there were three tropical storms/hurricanes.  But, we ended up having beautiful weather and a great trip. There is nothing more relaxing than being on the ocean to me.
     We spent the first day in Key West.  We just walked around and went into a lot of shops that day.  One of the first things we saw was a stand with seashells that had names on them.  We looked and right away found one with Ella's name on it.  We bought two.  I love Ella's name.  I love to see it written out.  Everytime I see anything with names on it, I find myself searching for hers.   
    The second day, we stopped in Cozumel, Mexico.  We took a bus to the beach, and spent the afternoon there.  It was a beautiful day.  The beach was gorgeous, the food was great (we had a buffet at the beach...of course).   Then after our beach time, we spent a couple of hours in the city. I really enjoyed that day.  I think this is probably the first time since we lost Ella that I can truly say I felt this way.
   There were moments that were hard- especially seeing all of the families on the ship with their little girls.  That always sends me to "this isn't how it should be" thoughts.   And, there was one night at dinner when our waiter was asking "did we have any children?  were we going to have children soon?"  He was laughing and being friendly. We were seated with strangers, and we didn't say that we had children.  I felt horrible again- I hate answering like that.  I have been saying "yes, a daughter in heaven" but sometimes it just catches me off guard.
    But, the majority of the trip was great.  I am so thankful that we were able to celebrate our anniversary and enjoy ourselves.  I had a great time with my wonderful husband.

I love you Ella! I miss you so much! 

Cozumel, Mexico

Shell from Key West

 

Four year Anniversary

I am posting this a few days early, because I won't be here to post it on our anniversary. September the 16th will be our four year anniversary. I can't believe it has been four years since I married my best friend! I am so blessed to have such an awesome man to spend my life with.

Four years ago, we had no idea of the road ahead of us when we made our vows to each other. I really know what those vows we made to each other mean now, and how important they are. We experienced the best and the worst this past year. The best-having Ella, holding her in our arms, and becoming a family. The worst was of course losing her. I have to say that Jon was there for me 100% through all of it. I got to see a new side of him this year that made me fall more in love with him than ever. I got to see him as a wonderful loving Dad and the most supportive husband I could dream of.

We are going on a cruise for our anniversary. We are leaving from Miami and cruising to Key West and Cozumel (if Igor doesn't turn into a hurricane and change that). We have gone on two cruises before and enjoyed them both so much. The last one was seven years ago-so it has been awhile. I am excited to spend the week on the ocean with my husband! I am blessed to have a partner that I enjoy being with so much. I know that we will have a good time together. That being said, there is still that part of me that feels like screaming "this isn't how it should be!" This isn't what Jon and I should be doing four months after the birth of our daughter. It isn't what we planned. I guess that this feeling will always be there, and I accept that. I actually don't want that to go away. I know that Jon feels the same way.

But, I am going to enjoy my time with my husband...I know that is what Ella would want.

I love you Jon! I am so lucky to be your wife.

I love you Ella! You brought mommy and daddy closer than ever...we miss you so much!

One of those days

It has been one of those days (or actually a few of those days). The days that the feeling of missing Ella overwhelms me. I miss her all of the time, but there are days when it just washes over me like a tidal wave. I think it is the time of the year. Everywhere I go I see something or do something that reminds me last year at this time-right after we found out I was pregnant or it makes me think of how I thought things were going to be now. I try not to dwell on how things should be, but that has been so hard the last few days.
I want her here with me. I want to dress her in her Florida Gator booties and hat that we bought her last football season. I want to be taking her to cookouts and family get togethers. I want to hold her again. I want everything to be different than it is.
It is just one of those days that all I can think about is how much I miss her.

I love you Ella! I miss you SO much!

August 31, 2009...

was the day that we found out that I was pregnant with Ella. I can remember the details of that day like it was yesterday! I had worked all weekend twelve hour shifts and had felt funny. I told Jon on Sunday evening that I thought I might be pregnant, because my period was a couple of days late. He didn't believe me, because that had happened before and everytime I tested it was negative. Monday morning when I woke up, I took a test. It came back with no control line??? The box said that meant the test was inconclusive. I had an eye doctor appointment that day. I went to my appointment, then Jon and I went to Walgreens and got some more tests. We debated on taking another test that evening or waiting for morning like the box said. I took a test that evening. Immediately, it was positive! I remember Jon raising his hands up and saying "SCORE!" He was so excited. I was so excited and nervous. I knew that from that moment on our lives would be forever changed.
We can't keep secrets. We told everyone right away and began to plan for the baby. We picked out boy names and girl names. We started turning the spare bedroom into a nursery. Jon had repainted it, put up light fixtures, new blinds, we put in new carpet before I was even 15 weeks pregnant. It still seems so unreal sometimes. I can't even imagine what it would be like to have Ella at home in her nursery. I can't imagine having a four month old baby at home with us.
I wish that I could go back in time and live those moments again. I would love to go back to the time when Ella was with us and we didn't know we were going to lose her. I would love to feel that excitement again. I would love to be able to talk to her and tell her how happy she made us and how much we love her.
It is hard to believe that one year ago we found out we were going to be a mommy and a daddy. And now, a year later, our baby is in Heaven. Even though Ella isn't here at home with us, she made us mommy and daddy for the first time! She changed our lives so much in the 10 months that she was here.

I love you Ella! I miss you so much!

Decisions

I have always struggled with big decisions in my life. Well, except for one. I never considered the decision to terminate my pregnancy when Ella was diagnosed with anencephaly. I just knew that that wasn't an an option for me from the beginning. (I am just adding this because I don't want anyone to think that is one of the decisions I am talking about.) That is the one decision in my life that I had complete peace about and never questioned. I was so blessed to have my sweet baby for the time that I did.
Well, I am facing some BIG life changing decisions right now. I have always been a worrier, and when I have to make a decision I always question it and think "but what if?" I am not going over all of the decisions right now, because I really don't feel like I need to put all of my business out there right now. But, I am really struggling with them. I have made lists in my head of pros and cons. I have talked to Jon about it so much his ears are probably hurting, and he is supportive either way. I am praying that God will show me what to do with these big decisions. I wish I would see a sign or someone would just say "This is what you need to do!" I am so scared I am going to make the wrong decision and regret it later. Please, if you think of it, say a prayer that God will show me where I need to go and that I will see it!


I love you Ella! I miss you baby girl!

All in a year

It has been almost 14 weeks since Ella was born. It was around this time last year that Ella was concieved. That is so hard for me to believe. I can't believe how much my life has changed in the past year. Somedays I feel like the last year of my life has been a dream- it seems impossible that all of it really happened. In a year, I became pregnant for the first time, was so excited to be a mom, was devastated to find out that my baby wouldn't survive, gave birth to the most precious baby girl, held her in my arms for one amazing day, had to say goodbye to my daughter, am dealing with my grief over losing her, and am now trying to adjust to what life is now. I look back at myself before this time last year, and I can hardly recognize me. I feel like such a different person now. I know what is important now. But, I do miss some parts of the old me. I miss being silly sometimes and laughing a lot (I still laugh, but not nearly as often). Right now it is hard for me to feel those emotions because I am still missing Ella SO much. I know I will always miss her. It is hard trying to balance my life right now. How do I pull the old me and the new me together? I am sorry if none of this makes any sense-it is just how I feel right now. And though the last year has been so hard, it has been so worth it to have Ella with me for over 10 months. I wouldn't trade that for anything!

I love you Ella!