Two weeks from yesterday will be Ella's birthday. It really hit me yesterday that it is right around the corner. I can't believe that this day is approaching so quickly. I am already struggling with it and it isn't even here. I am so torn about what I want to do for Ella's birthday. I want to celebrate her life, but I don't know how I want to do that. It will be such a bittersweet day. I just don't think I can have a cake or anything that would be like a party. I just think it will be too hard for us. Because I know all I will be able to think about is how bad I wish she were here for her birthday party. Why does every decision have to be so hard?
I can't believe it has been a year since we were preparing to meet our sweet baby girl.
I know that people always use the phrase "grief comes in waves." That is exactly what it is like. I feel like it comes over me like a tidal wave. I feel like my grief has been pretty constant, but there are times when it hits you and washes over you and you feel covered by it. I have experienced quite a few of those tidal waves lately.
I have been out of town at a work conference for a few days. I went three days being away from Jon, away from my family, away from home. It was the first time I have spent the night away from Jon since Ella was born. I was dreading being apart that long. But, the trip went well. We had a good time. I held myself together the whole three days. Three days without crying is a long stretch for me still.
Even though I enjoyed the trip with my coworkers, I was so ready to be home. So, yesterday I came home. I was happy to be back home with Jon and with Max and Millie. They were so excited to see me and I was so excited to see them. But, within an hour of being home I was hit by the tidal wave. I was overwhelmed by sadness, and missing Ella, and how much I wish life were different.
Ella has been on my mind so much lately. She is on my mind everyday, but the last few weeks have been intense. I think it may be the time of year again. Spring is coming, and it is getting sunny and warm. I think the change in the air triggers all the memories and feelings I was having this time last year. Last year at this time, I was big and pregnant, and Ella was so busy and safe inside my belly. I loved that part of my pregnancy. When I could feel her move all day and even see it because she would move so much a tidal wave would flow across my tummy. I loved that Jon could see and feel her moving too. I remember going in for a doctor's appt around this time. My doctor put the doppler on my stomach to try to get her heartbeat. Ella started moving like crazy. I think she was kicking and punching the doppler. He smiled and said "she is really active." I think she surprised him that day. She surprised a lot of people. We got to see her beautiful little face and watch her move around on 3D ultrasound around this time last year. We got to watch her suck her toes and fingers and purse her sweet lips. I wish I could relive those moments again.
Don't get me wrong, it was a very hard time in my life. For a few months after we found out that Ella had anencephaly, I tried not to think about what was coming. I just felt like I couldn't deal with it, and I would tell myself I had along time before I would have give birth and have to face everything. But once I was in the 30 week area, I knew I was running out of time. And it was so hard.
But we decided we were going to prepare like she was coming home with us from the hospital and hope and pray that she would. We bought her clothes and tons of sweet little hats. We already had a stroller and car seat that we had bought a couple of weeks before we found out. We bought a bassinet. I don't regret buying any of those things for her, even if we didn't get to use most of them.
I have been dreaming about Ella a lot lately. Most of the time, I don't really remember exactly what I dreamed. I just remember that she was in it. Last night, I dreamed that she was here with us. She still had anencephaly, but she was doing great. She was the age she should be now- around ten months old. I don't remember much about the dream. But, I do remember we were going somewhere and I was putting her in her car seat, and putting her stroller in the back of the car. I just remember feeling so happy and proud in my dream that she was doing good and we were able to have her with us. I so wish that were true.
I feel like I am at a loss for words lately. I find it hard to blog. Today is Valentine's Day, the day that love is celebrated- what a great holiday. I am so thankful for the how blessed I am with so many people who I love and who love me. I have the best family and husband I could ever ask for. And now, I know a love that is so different. The love that I have for my daughter.
Time has been such a strange thing the last eight and a half months. There have been so many moments when it has felt like the world has stopped turning or time has stood still. Like on May 10 at 8:11 am when Ella was born. I remember her crying, I remember someone saying she was born at 8:11 (I don't remember who said it), and I remember her doctor bringing her to us. I remember seeing her beautiful face for the first time, I remember holding her for the first time. But it is almost like I am remembering from an out of body experience-if that makes since. It was just like the world had stopped turning at that moment. And it felt like time continued to stand still as we spent the day with our precious baby. I am so thankful for that time and the memories we got to make with Ella. No amount of time could ever be enough, but I am so thankful for the time that we got to hold her and love her and kiss her. I am so thankful that she got to meet her grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins and feel their love for her too.
Then after Ella passed away it felt like the world was turning, but we were standing still again. I remember moments when I would look around me and be shocked that people were going on with everyday life. I remember one moment so vividly. Jon had gone inside the hospital to get my paperwork to turn into the insurance company so they would approve my fmla time. It was so sunny out and I was sitting in the car. I saw a lady jogging by, and it just blew me away for some reason. I just couldn't understand how the world was still turning even though for me it felt like it wasn't.
Now time is passing so fast. It seems like it has been a eternity since Ella was here with us. I don't like that feeling at all. They say that time heals all wounds-but I don't agree with that. No amount of time could heal the wound of losing a child. And no amount of time will erase the memories we have. When the gap from when we were with Ella on earth widens I have to keep reminding myself that the gap between now and when we see her again is getting smaller.
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Have you ever heard a song and known that it was exactly what you needed to hear at that moment? That happened to me yesterday. The song is called "hold fast" by Mercy Me. I don't know if it is a new song, but yesterday was the first time I have ever heard it. I felt like I should share it. I know one of the feelings I have felt so often lately is hopeless. I guess that feeling is just part of grief. But, I know that the truth is that there is always hope in God.
To everyone who's hurting
To those who've had enough
To all the undeserving
That should cover all of us
Please do not let go
I promise there is hope
Hold fast
Help is on the way
Hold fast
He's come to save the day
What I've learned in my life
One thing greater than my strifeIs His grasp
So hold fast
Will this season ever pass?
Can we stop this ride?
Will we see the sun at last?
Or could this be our lot in life?
Please do not let go
I promise you there's hope
Hold fast
Help is on the way
Hold fast
He's come to save the day
What I've learned in my life
One thing greater than my strife
Is Your grasp
So hold fast
You may think you're all alone
And there's no way that anyone could know
What you're going through
But if you only hear one thing
Just understand that we are all the same
Searching for the truth
The truth of what we're soon to face
Unless someone comes to take our place
Is there anyone?
All we want is to be free
Free from our captivity, Lord
Here He comes
Hold fast
Help is on the way
Hold fast
He's come to save the day
What I've learned in my life
One thing greater than my strife
Is Your grasp
So hold fast
We found out that we were pregnant with our first child on August 31, 2009. We were nervous, but very excited. We spent the next few months planning for our future. We knew that our lives would be changed forever when our baby was born. We just never thought it would be changed in this way. On November 25th, we went for our first ultrasound. We were so excited to find out if we were having a boy or a girl (we both felt like it was a girl). Instead of finding out the sex, we found out that our baby had anencephaly. Anencephaly is a fatal neural tube defect in which the part of the tube that forms into the skull and portion of the brain doesn't close. It was the worst day of our lives. We chose to carry our baby to term. We found out at another ultrasound the next week that we were having a girl. We named her Ella Christine. Ella means "bright light", and I can't think of a more perfect name. God blessed us with 20 hours with her after she was born, and she changed our lives forever. I never thought I would want to blog, but now all we want to do is talk about our baby girl.
