Glad that is over

I am usually so sad when Christmas is over.  It has always been my favorite time of the year.  I love the whole change in atmosphere, the lights, the trees,the music, holiday traditions and movies, spending time with family.  And of course the real reason we celebrate Christmas- the fact that it is Jesus's birthday.

Last year we struggled through Christmas.  December 2nd was the day that Ella's anencephlay was confirmed by the level 2 ultrasound.  It was hard to celebrate and be merry knowing that we were going to lose her.  We didn't even put up a tree.  I still feel a lot of guilt about that.  I wish I had handled my feelings better.  I wish I could have given Ella the best Christmas ever while she was still her with me-I was so stupid. We did buy her an angel bear last year, and I loved every minute she was with me.  I just should have celabrated with her instead of crying with her.

Of course, I knew this year would be really hard without her here.  Then, right before Thanksgiving we got a surprise.  We were pregnant again.  Those first few weeks were scary but exciting.  We had hope that next year would be different at the holidays.  That hope didn't change the fact that we still missed Ella so much.  It just gave us something to be excited about again-which I haven't felt in a long time.  But, again that hope was taken away.  I had a miscarriage on 12/21/10 and  a d&c the next day.  I wasn't going to talk about this little one on Ella's blog because I wanted this to be her place, but now that this little one is gone I don't want to forget about him/her either.  We loved this baby too from the time we saw two pink lines.

So, I haven't been in the Christmas mood at all.  It is hard to celebrate and laugh when it feels like a hole is missing from your chest.  Presents seem so unimportant when the people I want more than anything in the world, I can't have.  When someone would ask "what do you want for Christmas?" - I just feel like screaming- I can't have what I want!  I am really struggling trying to understand all of this.  And for the second year in a row, I am not sad that Christmas is over.  I am still thankful that Jesus is the Reason for the Season, but this Christmas was so hard.

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas sweet angel!  Mommy and Daddy miss you so so much.  I wish you were spending your first Christmas here with us.  You are the best gift we could have ever asked for.   We love you so much!

Special Photo

Thnak you to Shannon, who also lost her sweet daughter to anencephaly.  She made an angel tree and sent this photo to me.  I love it.

Christmas without you

The Holidays are hard.  I knew that they would be. I thought that this would be our first Christmas with a baby at home. I wish that was the way it is so bad.  I wish that I was buying presents for Ella.  I wish I could hang a stocking for her.  I wish she could get her first picture with Santa.  I wish I could dress her in cute little Christmas dresses.  I could go on for days with my wish list, but I won't.   I can't do the things that I want to be doing with my daughter.  But I really want her to be included in the holidays.  So, like I had posted earlier, we decided to put a little tree at her grave.  This is going to be our new tradition. Jon and I put it out the day after Thanksgiving.  Then my family went after our Thanksgiving dinner (which was actually the following Sunday).  And Jon's family has also added ornaments since then.  I love that everyone spent so much time and thought in the ornaments that they picked for Ella.  Thank you all so much!

From Mommy and Daddy

From Mommy and Daddy

From Mommy and Daddy

From Grandma says"Grandma loves me"

Joel Michael adding Ella's name ornament that he looked so hard for!

From Joel Michael

From Aunt Lorrie and Uncle Joel



From Aunt Lorrie and Uncle Joel



From Aunt Michelle, Uncle Bryan, Travis and Tyler

From Ginny



From Grandad





From my coworker Debbie

I love you Ella!  I miss you so much!



Thankful

"I will give thanks to the Lord because of His righteousness; I will sing the praises of the name of the Lord Most High." Psalm 7:17

Thanksgiving Day is approaching.  If I am honest, I would have to say that for months I have been dreading Thanksgiving Day.  November 25th of last year was one of the worst days of my life.  It was the day before Thanksgiving.  It was the day that we found out that we wouldn't get to keep our baby because she was anencephalic.  We had hoped that we could tell our family on Thanksgiving Day if we were having a boy or girl, but we had to call them the day before and give them the devastating news and tell them we wouldn't be leaving the house for Thanksgiving.  I can say that I wasn't feeling very thankful last year.

So,a few months ago I looked at the calendar-hoping that Thanksgiving day wouldn't fall on November 25th, but of course it does.  That being said,  I want this year to be different. 

I DO have a lot to be thankful for.  These are only a few of those things......

I am thankful for my wonderful husband, who I am so blessed to have in my life.
I am thankful for my wonderful mother, who is always there for me through thick and thin.
I am thankful for my wonderful sister, who is so supportive and such a great friend.
I am thankful for all of my other family members, including Jon's family-they are the best inlaws I could ever ask for.
I am thankful for my Millie, Max and Lucky, who love me and make me smile.
I am thankful for Ella.
I am thankful that God chose me to be Ella's mommy.
I am thankful that God gave me twenty hours to hold her, feel her in my arms, hear her sweet cry, kiss her sweet lips, and touch her beautiful soft skin.
I am thankful that God sent his son to die for my sins, so that one day I will be able to go to heaven and be with Him, and be with my sweet baby girl again!

I love you Ella!

Ella's presence

     I went to Target today.  I love shopping at Target.  Going in Target is a trigger for me.  As soon as I found out I was pregnant, Jon and I spent so much time in the baby section looking at all the things we wanted to buy for our baby.  Then at the end of my pregnancy I spent so much time looking at clothes and things for Ella there.  We had no idea if she would get to wear them, but she has a closet full of clothes. 
     Today, I went in for a few things I needed.  I stopped at the dollar spot and found a little tree.  I put it in the buggy.  I had been planning to make a Christmas arrangement or little tree for Ella's grave, but wasn't sure what I would do.  I wandered around the store and then went to the Christmas section to look for some ornaments.  The first ones I saw were the "Baby's first Christmas" ones.  It hit me like a ton of bricks.  I was fighting back tears, because I want to be buying those SO bad for Ella.  I walked around the Christmas section looking for some tiny ornaments, then I saw a cute little white tree with a red star on top.  It is a little bigger -2ft.  I traded out the scrawny little tree for the white one and found some ornaments for it.  I found one that I love.  It is a little silver angel with crystal wings that says "loved."  I have a plan now.  We will decorate the tree and put it at Ella's grave.  And then family can bring an ornament for Ella too if they want.  It is going to be a yearly tradition.  It isn't at all what I had planned for this Christmas, but it makes me feel so much better to have a way to include Ella during the holidays.
     As soon as I got home, the wind chimes were chiming.  They have been chiming like crazy again.  I can feel Ella's presence so much today.  That may sound crazy.  I know she is in Heaven, but there are times when I "feel" her presence.  I love those times.

I love you Ella!! I miss you so much !!

Letter to Ella (part 2)

Ella,
I can't believe it will be six months tomorrow since you were born.  Half of a year has passed since you were here with me.  That is so hard for me to believe.  I miss you so much.  I still think about you all of the time.  I hate how much distance time has made from the last time I touched your precious face or kissed your beautiful lips or held your little hand.  When I am feeling sad because of how long it has been since you were here with me, I have to remind myself that I am that much closer to seeing you again.  I was thinking about you today when I was driving and a song came on the radio that I had never heard.  It was called "save a place for me." It made me think of you.

I love you so much!
Love,
Mommy



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