One of those days

It has been one of those days (or actually a few of those days). The days that the feeling of missing Ella overwhelms me. I miss her all of the time, but there are days when it just washes over me like a tidal wave. I think it is the time of the year. Everywhere I go I see something or do something that reminds me last year at this time-right after we found out I was pregnant or it makes me think of how I thought things were going to be now. I try not to dwell on how things should be, but that has been so hard the last few days.
I want her here with me. I want to dress her in her Florida Gator booties and hat that we bought her last football season. I want to be taking her to cookouts and family get togethers. I want to hold her again. I want everything to be different than it is.
It is just one of those days that all I can think about is how much I miss her.

I love you Ella! I miss you SO much!

August 31, 2009...

was the day that we found out that I was pregnant with Ella. I can remember the details of that day like it was yesterday! I had worked all weekend twelve hour shifts and had felt funny. I told Jon on Sunday evening that I thought I might be pregnant, because my period was a couple of days late. He didn't believe me, because that had happened before and everytime I tested it was negative. Monday morning when I woke up, I took a test. It came back with no control line??? The box said that meant the test was inconclusive. I had an eye doctor appointment that day. I went to my appointment, then Jon and I went to Walgreens and got some more tests. We debated on taking another test that evening or waiting for morning like the box said. I took a test that evening. Immediately, it was positive! I remember Jon raising his hands up and saying "SCORE!" He was so excited. I was so excited and nervous. I knew that from that moment on our lives would be forever changed.
We can't keep secrets. We told everyone right away and began to plan for the baby. We picked out boy names and girl names. We started turning the spare bedroom into a nursery. Jon had repainted it, put up light fixtures, new blinds, we put in new carpet before I was even 15 weeks pregnant. It still seems so unreal sometimes. I can't even imagine what it would be like to have Ella at home in her nursery. I can't imagine having a four month old baby at home with us.
I wish that I could go back in time and live those moments again. I would love to go back to the time when Ella was with us and we didn't know we were going to lose her. I would love to feel that excitement again. I would love to be able to talk to her and tell her how happy she made us and how much we love her.
It is hard to believe that one year ago we found out we were going to be a mommy and a daddy. And now, a year later, our baby is in Heaven. Even though Ella isn't here at home with us, she made us mommy and daddy for the first time! She changed our lives so much in the 10 months that she was here.

I love you Ella! I miss you so much!

Decisions

I have always struggled with big decisions in my life. Well, except for one. I never considered the decision to terminate my pregnancy when Ella was diagnosed with anencephaly. I just knew that that wasn't an an option for me from the beginning. (I am just adding this because I don't want anyone to think that is one of the decisions I am talking about.) That is the one decision in my life that I had complete peace about and never questioned. I was so blessed to have my sweet baby for the time that I did.
Well, I am facing some BIG life changing decisions right now. I have always been a worrier, and when I have to make a decision I always question it and think "but what if?" I am not going over all of the decisions right now, because I really don't feel like I need to put all of my business out there right now. But, I am really struggling with them. I have made lists in my head of pros and cons. I have talked to Jon about it so much his ears are probably hurting, and he is supportive either way. I am praying that God will show me what to do with these big decisions. I wish I would see a sign or someone would just say "This is what you need to do!" I am so scared I am going to make the wrong decision and regret it later. Please, if you think of it, say a prayer that God will show me where I need to go and that I will see it!


I love you Ella! I miss you baby girl!

All in a year

It has been almost 14 weeks since Ella was born. It was around this time last year that Ella was concieved. That is so hard for me to believe. I can't believe how much my life has changed in the past year. Somedays I feel like the last year of my life has been a dream- it seems impossible that all of it really happened. In a year, I became pregnant for the first time, was so excited to be a mom, was devastated to find out that my baby wouldn't survive, gave birth to the most precious baby girl, held her in my arms for one amazing day, had to say goodbye to my daughter, am dealing with my grief over losing her, and am now trying to adjust to what life is now. I look back at myself before this time last year, and I can hardly recognize me. I feel like such a different person now. I know what is important now. But, I do miss some parts of the old me. I miss being silly sometimes and laughing a lot (I still laugh, but not nearly as often). Right now it is hard for me to feel those emotions because I am still missing Ella SO much. I know I will always miss her. It is hard trying to balance my life right now. How do I pull the old me and the new me together? I am sorry if none of this makes any sense-it is just how I feel right now. And though the last year has been so hard, it has been so worth it to have Ella with me for over 10 months. I wouldn't trade that for anything!

I love you Ella!

NILMDTS

Thank you so much to Dena, our NILMDTS photographer. These pictures mean more to us than you will ever know.

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For Eternity

Yesterday was three months since Ella's birthday. This is for my sweet Ella. I miss you so much.


I carried you in my tummy for 10 months,
But I will carry you in my heart for eternity.

Your heart beat here on earth for 40 weeks and four days,
But you have mine for eternity.

I held your perfect little body in my arms for 20 hours,
but I will hold onto those memories for eternity.

You squeezed my finger with your perfect little hand for a moment,
but I will cherish that for eternity.

I studied the most beautiful face for a day,
and I will see it when I close my eyes for eternity.

Your life here on earth was way too short,
but it changed mine for eternity.

I felt the most amazing feeling when I was holding you.
I will long to feel that again for eternity.

When I lost you, I lost a piece of myself,
It feels like it will be gone for eternity.

I miss you so much.
But one day I will be with you again,
For Eternity.

Ella's Marker

Ella's marker was finally placed on her grave on Monday. It was supposed to take six weeks to get here, but it took ten weeks instead. I was getting really frustrated. We ordered it really soon, because we couldn't stand the thought of her grave being unmarked. Jon and I kept checking on it every few days the last couple of weeks, only to find that it still wasn't there. When it finally got placed Monday, I felt relieved that it was here. It turned out to be really pretty too. We went to the cemetary and put out new flowers that I had made for her weeks ago. I felt good about it for an hour or so- and then it hit me. The relief that it is here made it so real that this life we are living seems so messed up. I don't want to be checking to see if my daughter's marker is here- I want my daughter to be here with me instead. Now when I am not at work I work on things like flower arrangements, or scrapbooking, or blogging. Don't get me wrong-I enjoy doing those things because they are things that make me feel like I am doing something for Ella. They keep everything fresh in my memory. Doing these things just makes me realize that life is so different than it used to be. Life is so different than I pictured it to be. The farther I get away from the day of her birth- the more I hate this feeling. I can't believe that it has been almost 3 months since she was here with me.

I love you Ella! I miss you so much!