I haven't posted much lately. I am just in a place where it is hard to put into words how I am feeling. This week has been an emotional one for me. Wednesday was the due date of the baby we miscarried in December. It was a strange day, full of mixed emotions. Of course, I still grieve the baby we lost and love that little one. I know that I will see him or her one day, just like I will be reunited with Ella. At the same time, I know that if everything had gone fine with that pregnancy I wouldn't be carrying Eli right now. I had a terrible nightmare tuesday night about a tornado chasing me and my baby. It was the kind of nightmare that you wake up sweating with your heart pounding. I think that started my day off weird. I thought I would be okay, but I was really emotional and cried in front of a lady at work for the first time in awhile. Since I am obviously showing now, I often get the question "is this your first?" I have gotten strong enough to answer that question truthfully without having a breakdown now. I usually just say no....and hope the conversation ends there. But it almost always turns into how old is your other child? Is is a boy or girl? ect. That is what happened wednesday. When I told the lady no, it is not my first. She went on with the questions and I had to tell her that I have a daughter who passed away. I held it together until she told me that was a pain she couldn't imagine and that no baby would ever replace her. I know that of course, but I just started crying.
I wish I could have all of my babies. We are so excited to be preparing for Eli. But it is always in the front of your mind. It is hard undoing what we did for Ella or doing things that we were never able to do for her. Like repainting the nursery we painted for Ella before we found out, or packing all of her clothes into her chest to make room for all of his things. He is going to be a well dressed little man. Between us, my mom, my sister, and Jon's mom...he has a closet full already. And to end on a positive note, I am to the fun point in my pregnancy. Eli is very active and I feel him moving around all the time. I couldn't sleep the other night, so I got up and drank some apple juice. Well at about 3:00 am, he became the karate kid and was moving like crazy:) Jon has felt him move three times this week. He loves it too. It is so bittersweet at times.
I love you Ella!
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11 months ago