I have had a hard time blogging lately. I started my blog because I wanted to talk about Ella, and about my feelings. But, I don't always feel like sharing all of my feelings. I feel like people probably get tired of reading the same things about how I feel over and over again. So, I haven't been posting much.
It has been almost six months since Ella was born and since she passed. Six months seems like a long time. I really thought that after six months everything would be a little easier to deal with. But, the truth is that it isn't. I really don't feel any better, and I definitely don't miss her any less. I know that will never change. I will always feel that strong urge to be with her again. I will always feel like a part of me died on May 11th too. There will always be someone missing from my life, and I will always think about her when I am doing things that I thought my daughter would be doing with me.
I try not to think about the way things should have been all of the time. But, I really think that is impossible for me. I can't do it. Everytime I see other families and babies I think that should be us. We should have a family on earth now. I should be dressing Ella in her halloween costume this year. It is so hard and it really doesn't seem fair. Everytime someone announces a birth or shows off an ultrasound picture I feel conflicting emotions. I feel happy for them, but it makes me so sad for us. I don't like being like that, but if I said I didn't feel it I would be lying.
Life is hard right now. Somedays I feel like I am just going through the motions of life and not living. I don't know how to make that different, but I want to. We are at the point where we have to think about our future. Jon and I both want a family so bad. We want children. We want Ella to be one of those children here with us more than anything- but we know that we can't have that. Everything and every decision is so hard right now for me. Please keep us in your prayers.
I love you Ella! I miss you so much!!!
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11 months ago